Only Fools and Horses: Holy MatriMOANny!
by Deepthroat Ghoul
Summary: After 16 years of confusion, denial, reversal, and dark moments of dispair, the longawaited wedding of Del Boy Trotter and Raquel Turner has finally arrived. Rated M for language, violence, and blood.
1. New Neighbours

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**Author's note:** I don't own _**Only Fools and Horses**_, and I believe that the 2000 trilogy does fit into the continuity thanks to my upcoming story. Yes, I think it's high-time that there was a section dedicated to OFAH fanfiction. I was actually quite surprised that there were no fics of this sitcom in the "British Comedy" sub-category. This story (which takes place a year after "Sleepless in Peckham" (2003)) helps bridge the gap between _**Only Fools and Horses**_ and _**The Green Green Grass**_ (2005). The only characters I have of my own are Hector Albert Trotter (son of Uncle Albert and Aunt Ada), his wife Tatyana "Tina" Volkoff-Trotter, and their children Ash and Michelle. Some material adapted from previously broadcast OFAH episodes. Please read and review, and I hope you like it. Thanks! But enough about that, on with the story...

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_Dedicated to those who made it possible: John Sullivan, David Jason, and Tessa Peake-Jones_

_And to the fans who had to wait so long for this..._

**Only Fools and Horses: Holy Matri-MOAN-ny!**

written by Piston1984

based on characters created by John Sullivan

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**Chapter 1: New Neighbours**

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**September 3, 2004**

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_Stick a pony in me pocket_

_I'll fetch the suitcase from the van._

_'Cos if you want the best uns,_

_But you don't ask questions,_

_Then brother, I'm your man._

_'Cos where it all comes from is a mystery,_

_It's like the changing of the seasons,_

_And the tides of the sea._

_But here's the one that's driving me berserk,_

_Why do only fools and horses work?_

_La la la la, la la la la la, la la la la_

It was an average Friday morning at flat No.368 on the 13th floor of Nelson Mandela House in Peckham, South London, Britain. In the main lounge, Rodney Charlton Trotter, aged 43-not-yet-44, in his "just got up" look, was sitting at the table reading a magazine, sipping tea from a mug, and smoking a roll-up. In the hall, Rachel "Raquel" Turner, aged 47, in the warmest of clothes, entered with two shopping bags. She shivered with cold. Two brown envelopes dropped through the letter box. Raquel kneeled down and examined them. They were nothing but failed attempts from wussy bidders to buy this flat. So Raquel tore them up and entered the lounge. "Alright Rodney?" she asked.

Rodney just looked up at Raquel and answered, "Yeah."

Raquel turned on the TV to watch the BBC news, as she asked while going to the kitchen to make some breakfast, "Cassandra up yet?"

Rodney just replied, "No, not yet Raquel. She needs her beauty sleep, and so does Joan."

Just then, Damien Derek Trotter, aged 13, son of Derek "Del Boy" Trotter and Raquel, entered from the bedrooms. He was dressed to kill in a black hoody, green trousers, gold dollar sign medallion, and red pumps, while saying, "Yo yo yo, what up Uncle Rodders?"

Suddenly hearing that voice, Rodney sprung up out of his chair and reeled back in alarm, suddenly thinking back to that horrible dream he had about when Damien ruled the planet Earth in the year 2026! He could still hear the voice of a 35-year old Damien manically saying, "War is good!"

"What's wrong with you, Rodney?" asked Raquel, as she brought a fried breakfast to the table.

Rodney nervously answered with, "N-n-nothing's wrong with me!"

Momentarily, Derek Reginald "Del Boy" Trotter, aged 55, in dressing gown and silk pyjamas, then entered from the bedroom. He asked Rodney, "Alright bruv?"

Del then sat down and started to eat his fried breakfast, but not before telling Raquel, "Good morning sweetheart. Thanks for the fry-up!" and kissing her, then turning to Damien and asking him, "Alright champ?"

"Slick me back, 'cause I'm happenin'!" replied Damien, as he gave the 'rock on devil horn' hand gesture!

"'Ey Rodders, it's nearly been a year since Uncle Albert's will saved us from sleeping in cardboard boxes!" said Del, as he finished up his breakfast with a glass of brandy and a cigar.

Rodney quipped, "Y'right Del. Even though _you_ got us into that mess, Albert sure pulled us out of it from beyond the grave."

Just as Rodney finished off his tea, Cassandra Louise Parry-Trotter, aged 38, wife of Rodney, entered from what used to be Grandad's and Albert's, now Rodney and Cassandra's bedroom, carrying their little baby daughter Joan Trotter Jr. in her arms. "Good morning everybody!" said Cassandra gingerly.

"Morning Cass." said Rodney with a loving smile towards both his wife and his little baby daughter.

"Morning, Frog Jr." Cassandra replied to Rodney, obviously referring to the that fact that her husband was the son of the legendary deceased gentleman thief Freddie "The Frog" Robdal, as well as giving Rodney a kiss, before feeding Joan her milk in a bottle. Just then, the entire Trotter family heard the sound of a removal van coming from outside.

"Cor blimey! What's that noise?" asked Del surprisingly!

"That would be the sound of a moving van, Derek." answered Raquel sarcastically.

Rodney moved to the balcony, and he spotted many removal vans, as well as a Ford M.I. (Military Issue) Landrover.

"Looks like we've got new neighbours." said Rodney.

Del rubbed his hands together and said, "Suppose we better go and greet 'em!"

A few minutes later, Del and Rodney, both dressed in their working clothes, went downstairs, past the many removal van workers carrying furniture up the stairs. Upon reaching the 5th floor, the Trotters ran into a middle-aged white man, aged 50, who had medium black hair turning grey at the sides, and a long black beard, a good muscular body, and wore a Navy SEAL beret, ragged military fatigues, and black combat boots. He said in a North London accent to the Trotters, "'Scuse me, sorry, coming through."

"That's alright, we just wanted to welcome you to the neighbourhood." said Del.

Rodney then said with extreme confidence and open arms, "Yes. Welcome to Nelson Mandela House. We're the Trotter Brothers. I'm Rodney."

"And I'm Derek, but you can call me Del Boy!" said Del, also with extreme confidence, as well as flashing his golden 'D' medallion.

The man asked cheerfully and curiously, "Trotter Brothers? Then you must be related to Albert Gladstone Trotter, right?"

"No, we're just his agents. No, of course we're related to that soppy old sea dog!" replied Del.

"Soppy old sea dog? He's my father!" laughed the man.

Del and Rodney were both shocked! "Bloody hell! You're Albert's son?!" asked a flabbergasted Rodney.

The man answered, "Yes. My name's Hector. Hector Albert Trotter, long-lost son of the legendary sailor Albert Gladstone Trotter and his wife Ada, my mother, and nephew of Edward Kitchener Trotter, your grandfather. And that would make me your third cousin."

"Oh my..." said Del with his jaw completely hanging on the floor.

Footsteps were heard coming upstairs. Approaching Hector was a middle-aged white woman, aged 49, who had long blonde hair, a good-looking body, and wore a red blouse, long black skirt, and red high heeled shoes. She asked Hector in an accent which was a mixture between British and Russian, "Hector honey, what's the holdup?"

Hector turned to the woman and said, "Oh, I just met some more of my relatives."

"Who's she?" Del asked about the woman in front of them.

"Oh, Tina, these are my cousins, Derek and Rodney Trotter. Del, Rodney, meet my wife, Tatyana Volkoff-Trotter." said Hector, as he put his left arm around his wife Tatyana, who said, "But you boys can call me Tina."

Del Boy shook Tina's hand and said, "Au Revoir. You can call me Del Boy if you like."

Tina was confused by Del's use of French lingo. Rodney quickly excused it by saying, "Please excuse my brother, his French is just way off!"

Just then, more footsteps were heard, as two white children, a boy, aged 14, followed by an older girl, aged 15, were coming up the stairs. The 14-year old boy had short blonde/black hair and was wearing a Queen baseball cap, a black bomber jacket that said "Evil Dead" on the back, with a Queen t-shirt underneath it, blue jeans, and brown sneakers. The 15-year old girl behind him, the older of the two siblings, was obviously a gothic girl, as she had long black hair, black eye shadow, and wore black crosses for earrings, purple/green spiked bracelets, a black t-shirt with a picture of a skull with a hammer and a sickle around its sides on it, a tight purple skirt, green leggings, and black knee-high boots.

"Mom, Dad, which flat are we gonna be in?" asked the 14-year old boy.

"13th floor, sweetie." replied Tina, as the children approached her, her husband, and their new friends.

"Gordon Bennett. They're a nice bunch o' kids." said Del, indicating the two children in front of them.

"Oh, these are my children, Ashton and Michelle. Kids, I'd like you to meet your uncles Derek and Rodney."

"Pleased to meet you." said the 15-year old gothic girl named Michelle in a tone similar to that of Mandy from Cartoon Network's _**The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy**_, as she shook Del's hand.

"Oh yeah, you can call me Ash." said the 14-year old boy named Ashton, who gave a wild excited look at Rodney while talking in a cocky tone, who reacted in fright, since it did remind him of Damien.

"You're gonna be living on the 13th floor?" Del asked Hector.

"Yeah, are there any more relatives up there?" asked Hector, as he looked up their flights of stairs.

"Yes there is, c'mon, we'll introduce them to ya." said Rodney with a smile, as he led Del, Hector, Tina, Ash, and Michelle upstairs to the 13th floor.

Back on the 13th floor, the Trotters and their newfound relatives arrived at flat No.369, when Raquel, Damien, and Cassandra with Joan in her arms all came out.

"Derek, are they the new neighbours?" asked Raquel curiously.

"Yes Raquel. Hector, I'd like you to meet my... my significant other, Raquel Turner. Raquel, this is my third cousin, Hector Albert Trotter, son of my uncle Albert." answered Del, as he introduced Raquel and Hector to each other, as well as introduce Damien by saying, "And this is our son, Damien Derek Trotter. Damien, this is your uncle Hector Albert Trotter."

Rodney then said, "Hector, I'd also like you meet my wife, Cassandra Louise Parry-Trotter, and our beautiful baby daughter, Joan Trotter Jr. Cass, this is my third cousin, Hector Albert Trotter. Joannie, wave hello to your uncle Hector."

Little baby Joan did just that. Hector then took over with the introductions by saying, "Tina, kids, meet your aunties Raquel Turner and Cassandra Louise Parry-Trotter, and your cousins, Damien Derek and Joan Trotter Jr. Raquel, Cassandra, Damien, Joan, meet my wife, Tatyana "Tina" Volkoff-Trotter, and our children, Ash and Michelle Trotter."

The two Trotter children exchanged handshakes with their younger cousin Damien. The removal van people were just finished bringing all the furniture in, and Hector paid them.

Raquel checked her watch, and told Damien "C'mon Damien, don't want to be late for school."

Damien said, "Yo, be right there!" And he got his schoolbag and they took off.

Tina halted Raquel, and asked her "Wait, me and the kids would like to come and take a good look around your son's school."

"Alright, don't fall behind." said Raquel gingerly. Tina, Ash and Michelle followed behind.

A few minutes later, both the 1977 Ford Capri Ghia and the Ford M.I. Landrover both drove off for the Peckham Junior High School, while Cassanda went back into the flat to give Joan a wash and change her diapers. Meanwhile, Del, Rodney, and Hector went into the flat next door (Hector's family's flat) to get themselves real acquainted.

"I was also in the Navy, lads." said Hector, as he, Del, and Rodney sat down in new armchairs and a new sofa.

Del suprisingly asked, "You? In the Navy? Oh, leave it out Hector."

Hector then said, "No, it's true lads. It was back in the late 1960's and early 1970's. I was drafted to fight in Vietnam along with the many other teenage boys in my class. We were sent to the Navy branch to train. And I passed with flying colours. And although I got bombed and torpedoed a few times, we managed to win that war. Mum and Dad were real proud of me. Now, sometime later in the 1970's, after my mother left, I told my father that I wanted to fight in the Cold War, but we argued, and I just packed my bags and stormed off to fight for my king and country. Dad never spoke to me from that day to... He never spoke to me ever again."

"Oh, that's quite sad, innit?" said Rodney with remorse in his voice.

Del said, "'Ere Hector, you've told us your full name is Hector Albert Trotter, right?"

"Yes." replied Hector.

"Then that must mean your initials are HAT!" said a laughing Del, who was shortly joined by Hector and Rodney.

Rodney checked his watch and said, "C'mon Del, we gotta get down the market."

And so, Hector wrote a note that said _Dear Tina, I'm off out with Del and Rodney to see what their job is like. I'll be back before either lunch or dinner. Hector._ As the Trotters headed past the flat, Rodney quickly kissed Cassandra and Joan goodbye, before joining Del and Hector outside. They got in the 1971 Reliant Regal Super Van III three-wheeled van, with Del driving, Rodney in the passanger seat, and Hector sitting in the back.

In the Market, the van was just pulling up to the parking lot, as Hector asked Rodney, "So Rodders, you're the Chairman of Trotters Independent Traders?"

"Yes, been CEO since 2001." replied Rodney.

The three Trotters alighted from the van, and Del was looking out to the many customers, as he said, "Ah Lovely Jubbly! Look at all those praying wallets full of cash. C'mon Rodney, get that suitcase out!"

"Hey, what are we flogging today Del?" asked Rodney.

"Just your latest state-of-the-art home entertainment system." said Del, as he opened his suitcase to reveal some shiny-looking DVD players! "C'mon, let's get to work!" Del continued, as he put his market cap on.

And so, the Trotters got into their usual spot, Del doing the flogging, and Rodney being the lookout, with Hector taking notes. A large crowd had gathered, as Del said while showing off one of the DVD players, "Right. Gather round. Now come on, listen to this. I've come here to sell my wares. I haven't come here to be laughed at, chaffed at or generally mucked about. I've come to sell my wares and they're guaranteed. Right, now, what we got here today, I tell you what we got here today, I tell you what we're doing, we've got the Quartex 2510 DVD disc player. It is the home entertainment system of the future! This has the power of every crystal known to man: Quartex, Cyrax, Apex, Latex, the list goes on and on! It also comes with a selection of functions on its remote controller! Now normally I'd ask you ten pounds for one of these exquisite machines, and you'd tear me arm off at the elbow to get it - but I'm not asking ten pounds, I'm not asking eight pounds! Seeing as I'm in a good mood I'm letting 'em go at the rock-bottom, never to be repeated price of seven pounds fifty."

Most of the crowd laughed, but most of them bought some of the DVD players.

Just then, Colin "Trigger" Ball, aged 58, in his road-sweeping uniform and carrying his broom, just showed up and said, "Wotcher Del, Dave."

"Oh, hey Trig." said Rodney without even attempting to correct his friend.

Hector confusedly looked at Rodney and asked, "Dave?"

"No, he just thinks my name is Dave, and it's not." replied Rodney, who was helping Del put away his suitcase in the van.

"Who's he?" Trigger asked about Hector.

Del answered, "Trigger, this is Hector, our cousin, and also Uncle Albert's long-lost son. Hector, meet Trigger, roadsweeper extraordinaire!"

"Hmm, Albert never told us about you, Hector." said Trigger.

"Well, we never spoke to each other for 30 years, due to me wanting to participate in the Cold War." remarked Hector.

"Say, why don't we take you down to another one of our favourite hangouts, the Nag's Head?" asked Del, obviously offering to show Hector around the Nag's Head.

"Alright, but I'm not a heavy drinker, y'know Del." Hector answered, which means he's not drinking heavily today.

"See you fellas there." said Trigger, as he went off to continue his duties. And so, the Trotters got in the van and drove off.

The van arrived at the _Nag's Head_. All Hector could say about its exterior was, "Yes, nice texture, but contrast."

The three Trotters all alighted from the van. "C'mon Hector, you'll love it inside." said Rodney, as they went inside, where Sid, Terrance Aubrey "Boycie" Boyce, Marlene Lane-Boyce, Denzil Tulser, and Mickey Pearce were all waiting for their friends.

Sid, with cigarette in his mouth, waved to Del and asked, "Hi Del, the usual?"

"Yes, one Pina Colada, and something non-alchoholic for my brother and my cousin. Alright Marlene?" said Del, as he slapped Marlene on the bottom, making her and her surgically enhanced chest both jump.

Boycie, in his best wide awake suit, was appalled, and said, "For Gawd's sake, knock that off, Derek!"

Marlene said with a smirk, "Ah shut it, Boycie."

"Rodney, who's your friend there? The one with the black beard?" Mickey asked Rodney about Hector, who was just drinking a fresh glass of water.

"I can answer that, my name is Hector Albert Trotter, I'm Albert's long-lost son." answered Hector, as he finished his glass of water. "And they must be Boycie, Marlene, Denzil, Sid, and Mickey, right?" he continued while looking at them.

"You know it makes sense, my son. Although Sid's just filling in for the previous landlord, Mike Fisher, who got thrown in jail for deforging the brewery two and a half years ago." replied Del, as he paid Sid.

Just then, Tina came in and said sternly, "There you are, Hector. I got your note, and a tip from some roadsweeper that you'd be at the "Nag's Head"."

"Don't worry, honey, I didn't drink anything alcholic. Denzil, Marlene, Boycie, Sid, Mickey, meet my wife Tatyana Volkoff-Trotter." said Hector, as he introduced Tina to the rest of the gang.

"But you can call me Tina." Tina added with a smile.

"Ooh, look at her, Boycie." said Marlene to Boycie.

"Tina, you said a roadsweeper gave you the tip?" asked Hector.

"Yes." answered Tina.

"That was Trigger, another one of Rodney and Del's pals. And I'd also like you to meet Sid, Boycie, Marlene, Denzil, and Mickey Pearce." said Hector, introducing his wife to his new friends.

Denzil approached Hector and asked him, "You say you're Albert's son?"

"Long-lost son, Denzil." replied Hector.

Tina came up to her husband and said, "Hector, how would you feel about being a gym teacher and a swimming coach?"

Hector was shocked, but later answered, "Well, OK."

"Good, you can start on Monday." said Tina with a smile.

"Listen lads, I'll see you later, I'm getting some real lunch with my sexy Soviet lady." said Hector, as he and Tina exited.

"I wonder how Tyler will react to him?" wondered Marlene.

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**September 6, 2004**

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It was Monday at Peckham Junior High School. Ash and Michelle both arrived at the school through their own means of transport: rollerblades.

"Our first day at this school... Well, this'll be fun." said Michelle, as she looked up at the school.

"Lemme at 'em. I'm iching for a real challenge!" said Ash, all fired up.

"You got that right." said a fourth voice. The two Trotter sibling turned around to see Tyler Boyce, aged 15, son of Boycie and Marlene, wearing a white t-shirt with the word "baka" written on it, camo jeans, and red sneakers, came riding up to them on a skateboard.

"Who are you?" asked Michelle curiously and politely.

Tyler picked up his skateboard and answered, "My name's Tyler Boyce."

"Boyce? Our dad told us about your dad, who even runs a car business, right?" asked Ash.

Tyler replied, "Yeah, that's my dad."

"I'm Michelle Trotter" said Michelle.

"I'm her younger brother, Ash." said Ash.

Tyler cocked an eybrow, as Michelle explained, "We just moved in."

Damien also showed up. "Yo Ty', I see you've met my cousins." he said to Tyler.

"They're your cousins, Damien?" asked Tyler.

Damien answered, "Yeah, my dad and uncle met their father, who's the son of my great uncle Albert."

The bell suddenly rang. "We gotta get to class now." said Ash, as he, Michelle, Damien, and Tyler raced inside.

The Trotter cousins and Tyler made it to their classroom and got into their desks, as the teacher came in. He was a middle-aged white man, aged 45, and wore very sophisticated working clothes.

"Good morning class, we have new students joining us." he said, as Ash and Michelle both walked up to the blackboard and introduced themselves.

"Nice to meet you all. I'm Ashton Trotter." said Ash.

"And I'm his older sister, Michelle." said Michelle with not much enthusiasm.

"Thank you, kids. I hope you'll get to know the rest of the class well. Take you seats, and we'll begin." said the teacher.

Ash and Michelle both sat down in their desks, with Michelle sitting next to Tyler, and Ash sitting next to Damien with a smirk.

One hour later, it was breaktime, and the students went outside for a quick break. As Ash and Damien were having a quick arm-wrestle, and Michelle was leaning against one of the walls in a 'too cool to care' way, until a couple of dumb, shifty-looking boys walked up and started hitting on her.

"Hey! That girl is too hot for a putz like you! She belongs with a stud like me!" said one boy.

"I belong to no-one!" snapped Michelle, as she hit one of the shifty boys in his chin with a hard right punch! "Next time, show a little respect when talking to a gothic woman like me!" Michelle added.

"S-s-sorry!" said that same shifty boy, as he and his mates ran inside the school, as the bell rang.

"Let's get back to class. I guess he had to learn the hard way." said Michelle to her younger brother.

"Ha! Beat ya!" said Ash excitedly, after he managed to defeat Damien in their arm-wrestling match.

"You wait until next time..." said Damien quietly, as he, Ash, and Michelle went back inside and back to class.

Half an hour later, it was time for gym class. And the class, as they entered the sports arena and track, were introduced to their new gym teacher, who was Ash and Michelle's dad, Hector!

"Hello class, I'm your new gym teacher, Hector Trotter. Let's be friends. It's my job to get you in tip-top fighting shape, so let's try our best, OK? Right, let's get started! Give your hearts to Britain, kids, 'cause your butts belong to me!" said Hector, as he blew his whistle, causing the students to started to run laps around the track, with Hector following behind.

Ash, Michelle, Damien, Tyler, and all the other students then ran through an assault course, which involved a hill run up on, a ring of tyres to run through, a climable wall with a zip-line pulley to come down from, a tunnel to crawl through, and then into the school swimming pool to finish the course. Ash enjoyed going through the assault course, 'cause it helped toughen him up!

The Trotter kids and friends then took showers after the gym course, as Hector looked on and said, "Good job today, soldiers. You'll get the hang of it. Keep up the good work."

At lunchtime, one of the new dinner ladies was Ash and Michelle's mom, Tina!

"I hope you comrades are really hungry, 'cause I have the finest Russian cuisine for you today." said Tina, as she served a mixture of borsch and other British and Russian foods. The students, especially the Trotters, all enjoyed it.

One hour later, back in the classroom, the teacher began handing out math sheets to the students. Michelle managed to answer some of the harder math problems thanks to her intelligence. The teacher praised her for her good work.

The bell rang, the first day of school was over.

"See you tomorrow, class." said the teacher.

As every student exited, Ash told Damien, "Wanna head to the arcade after dinner? I bet I can whip your ass at GuitarFreaks!"

"Bring it, homey! I'll see you there!" said Damien strongly, as he, Ash, and Michelle headed home to Nelson Mandela House.

Later that evening, at the local arcade, Ash, Michelle, and Damien arrived to see Tyler waiting for them.

"You guys ready for this?" Tyler asked.

Ash and Damien walked up the _**GuitarFreaks**_ arcade game, put some coins in, grabbed their guitars, and it was on!

"Let's play this song first." Damien said, as he picked a rap-pop hybrid song, and beat Ash at it.

"What song d'you wanna play next?" asked Damien.

"This one." answered Ash, as he selected "Killer Queen_"_ by Queen. Damien was completely off-key, but Ash completely jammed all the way with the song and enjoyed it in order to earn a super high score.

Meanwhile, Michelle and Tyler both had a go at shooting zombies on _**The House of the Dead 3**_. Michelle was shooting more zombies than Tyler, who was awestruck at how a goth like her was such a great player. It seemed that these Trotter children were not to be messed with!

To be continued...

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	2. Return of Old Foes

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**Chapter 2: Return of Old Foes**

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**September 11, 2004**

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One week had passed since Hector and his family had moved in with their cousins. On that evening, in flat No.369, at the table, Del Boy and Rodney were telling Hector about their many adventures dating back to 1981, while in turn, Hector told Rodney and Del about his time in the Cold War. All three men were laughing during their chat.

"So you actually flew the hang glider?" asked Hector.

"Yes, and I almost lost my life because of this dipstick." laughed Del.

They all laughed again until Raquel entered with a letter.

"Del, I received this letter telling me that the divorce file that slimeball Roy Slater promised to send me is waiting for us at the Down by the Riverside Club." she said, as Del took the letter and said, "Down by the Riverside Club, eh? Gordon Bennett, better not waste any time now."

"I'd like to come too, see what the place is like, y'know." said Hector, as he put his coat on.

"Can I come too, Dad?" asked Ash, who entered from the bedrooms area with Michelle behind him.

"Well... OK, as long as you finish your homework, son." said Hector politely.

"I'll make sure he gets it right this time, Dad." said Michelle with a glare towards her younger brother.

Half an hour later, both the M.I. Landrover and the Capri Ghia arrived at the _Down by the Riverside_ Club. Del, Raquel, and Rodney alighted from the car, while Hector, Ash, and Michelle alighted from the landrover. The six Trotters entered the club. Boycie was already there, and the room was filled with a massive amount of people in black, hooded robes.

"Hello Derek. Fancy seeing you here tonight." said Boycie.

Del said in a no-nonsense tone, "Raquel's divorce papers from that ex-copper Roy Slater are waiting for us."

"Divorce papers from Slater? That's like getting Mr. Bean to sign a cheque!" said Boycie, as he did his machine gun laugh.

While Rodney, Hector, Ash, and Michelle were having drinks, there was one lone robed figure sitting at a table with a document in his hand. Del and Raquel walked on over to him.

"I've been expecting you two." said the robed person in a hissy male voice, as he showed Del and Raquel the document, which was a divorce paper signed legally by Roy Slater, ex-police officer and ex-husband of Raquel.

"Is this it?" asked Raquel.

"Yes. All signed and legalized." said the mystery man.

Del said, as he grabbed Raquel, "Lovely Jubbly! C'mon sweetheart. Let's go! That Slater was such an asshole!"

The mystery man then said in a familiar tone, "Why Del Boy..." Then he took his hood off to reveal that his identity was none other than.......... Roy Slater, now aged 56! "...those are touching words!" Slater said with a razor smile.

"Slater! You bastard!" screamed Raquel!

"And I didn't come alone either!" said Slater, as all the other hooded figures took off their robes to reveal the following villians who the Trotters had collided with in the past: Danny and Tony, the Driscoll Brothers (mentioned in a lot of episodes, but only appeared in "Little Problems"), Pauline Harris (Del's murderous ex-girlfriend from "The Second Time Around"), Arnie (the retired jeweller/conman from "Chain Gang"), his two sons, Gary and Steven (also from "Chain Gang"), Miranda Davenport (the sleazy art collector who Del took a shining to in "Yesterday Never Comes"), Tommy Mackay (the hardened nut who Del fought in "No Greater Love"), The Axe Murderer (from "Friday the 14th"), and the gang of muggers (Gary, Scott, Kevin, & Dawn) who Del and Rodney once put behind bars back in 1996 (from "Heroes and Villians").

"Betcha' weren't surprised to see all your old mates back, eh Del?" laughed Slater, as he also explained, "Because of you, I lost my badge and my job, and Hoskins got promoted to Lieutenant! Now, I'm gonna make you pay!"

Danny Driscoll, the older of the Driscolls, pointed to Boycie and told him, "You owe us money, you little punk!"

Boycie backed away, as he said, "Now now, gents. I don't want any trouble, and I don't think you do either!"

Tony Driscoll, the younger of the Driscolls, said with his fists up, "On the contrary, trouble is what you now have because we're gonna give it to you!"

Slater, the Driscolls, and their allies were closing in on Boycie and the Trotters, until Michelle raised her hands and shouted, while pushing herself through the crowd just to go to the women's bathroom, "Wait! Wait! Haha, just wait." She entered the bathroom. A few seconds later, Michelle returned, only this time, she was dressed in a black qipao with purple accents, spiked training bracelets, green sheer pantyhose, and black combat boots, which made Michelle look like a gothic version of Chun-Li from the _**Street Fighter**_ video-game series. Michelle was also carrying a varation of the Japanese Katana sword used by The Bride in the movie _**Kill Bill**_.

"Now we're gonna tear it up!" said Michelle. Ash was prepared to fight, as he said, "Yeah, _**Evil Dead**_ style!"

As the fight began when the bartender began playing Queen's "Orge Battle_"_ on the jukebox, Arnie and his boys quickly tackled Raquel, Rodney was ganged up on by the muggers, Slater, Pauline, and the Driscolls all grabbed Del and started beating him, the Axe Murderer quickly attacked Ash, Mackay picked up Hector and body slammed him, and Miranda stared down Michelle.

She tried to take her down with a flying dropkick, but Michelle quickly countered with a Spinning Bird Kick, sending Miranda flying back-first right into the snooker table, completely crippling her! Michelle then drew her sword, lifted Miranda up, shouted, "There can be only one!" And then, Michelle sliced Miranda's head clean off her shoulder!

Tommy Mackay started gloating after slamming Hector, but Hector quickly got up and took Mackay down with several left & right-armed clotheslines, five body slams, ten Siberian Suplexes, fifteen Spinning Lariats, twenty Screw Piledrivers, and the Final Atomic Buster to end it all! Hector then finished Mackay off by throwing him right through a shelf full of bottles!

Ash was able to defeat the Axe Murderer with the old one-two, ten Thrust Kicks to the chin, and finally, Ash cut the Axe Murderer in two with a chainsaw!

Michelle was able to help her uncle Rodney fight off the muggers by shooting a Kikouken Fireball at them! Rodney stared down the leader, Gary, who pulled out an 9mm Automatic Pistol. Rodney's eyes widened, he covered his face, as Gary pulled the trigger, BANG! The bullet hit Rodney right in the heart, but the bullet, for some reason, bounced off it, leaving Gary confused. Rodney just smirked, and pulled out of his breast pocket the same silver cigarette case that Grandad gave him in "Homesick". Rodney then quickly took down Gary with the same swift punch that broke the nose of Cassandra's boss, Stephen, from "The Jolly Boys' Outing", before proceeding to finish off Scott and Kevin with two Hadouken Fireballs, while Michelle delivered a Lightning Kick to Dawn's head, beating her into unconsciousness! Michelle and Ash then went on to slice all four muggers into little tiny itty bitty pieces with their respective weapons, the sword and the chainsaw, while Rodney went off to help his brother!

Hector grabbed Arnie's two sons, Gary and Steven, and clocked their heads together, giving both of them permanent brain damage, then Hector grabbed Arnie by both the arms and broke them in every place, before putting him and his kids through a snooker table!

Michelle was able to slice Pauline across the chest twice repeatedly with her sword, as well as deliver another Spinning Bird Kick, causing Pauline to fall on the floor in absolute pain!

It was down to this three-on-three showdown: Del, Raquel, & Rodney vs. Slater, Danny, & Tony! Michelle, Ash, and Hector decided to just watch.

"This ends right now, Driscolls!" said Del, who got into his "I'm a black belt in origami" fighting stance!

Tony said to Rodney, "Hey Rodney, how's your wife doing after her little miscarriage?"

Confused, Rodney asked, "How the bloody hell do you know?"

"Wasn't it not a coincidence, Rodney? _I'm_ the one who gave your wife that miscarriage!" answered Tony, as a flashback began.

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**November 18, 1996**

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At the bank, as Cassandra was serving the many customers, the Driscoll Brothers walked in.

"Good afternoon, how may I help you?" asked Cassandra, greeting the two.

Danny responded, as he pulled out a gun, "Why don't you put your hands in the air? This is a stick-up!"

This drew a huge amount of screams from all the innocent customers and tellers. One of the guards tried to draw his gun, but Tony quickly shot him in the foot, then stabbed one customer in the stomach with a knife

Cassandra, putting her hands up, asked, "What do you want?!"

Danny walked up to Cassandra, pressing his gun against her chin, explaining, "You heard of the Trotter Brothers?"

"Rodney and Del? Oh yes, I'm Rodney's wife!" answered Cassandra.

"Well, his older brother used the £2000 money he owed us for his little brother's wedding gift!" said Danny.

Tony pulled Cassandra over the counter, as Cassandra shouted, "Please, don't! I'm pregnant!"

"Oh, are you?" asked a sarcastic Tony, who looked at Cassandra's stomach, then turned back to his older brother and asked, "May I, Danny?"

"All yours, Tony! Don't pull any punches." answered Danny, who nodded.

Tony cracked a wicked smile, as he pulled his right fist back, then slammed it really hard into Cassandra's stomach, causing her to scream in pain! Danny also smiled, as Tony delivered a series of well-placed roundhouse punches and kicks to the stomach of Cassandra, causing her to writhe on the floor in total pain! But, just as Tony was about to shoot Cassandra in the head, the guard who got shot in the foot earlier quickly crawled up to the counter and pressed the button for the bank alarm.

Danny quickly told Tony, "Shit! We should leave now, Danny!"

Tony moaned, as he withdrew his weapon, "What, now? C'mon Danny, just one shot!"

"She's had enough, let's get outta here!" groaned Danny, as he grabbed Tony by the arm, as the Driscoll Brothers quickly ran out of the bank.

As the police arrived, some of the tellers were attending to Cassandra, while one teller phoned for an ambulance, and another teller phoned Del and Rodney.

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**September 11, 2004**

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Tony cracked a wicked smile, telling Rodney, "Rodney, when I punched your wife in her stomach, causing that miscarriage, it felt _so good_!"

"You bastard! You're going to bloody well pay for that!" said a fuming Rodney, as he prepared to knuckle up.

Slater tried advancing towards Raquel, while saying, "C'mon Rachel, you're still my girl! And it's your own fault for leaving me for a loser like Del!"

Raquel just spat back at her ex-husband, while putting up her fists, "Always blaming someone else! That's why I hate your guts! Come at me, Roy. Every inch of me will resist you! _Come at me!!!_"

Slater tried to grab Raquel right away, but Raquel immediately downed Slater with a Cannon Drill Headbutt, two Thrust Kicks, three Spinning Knuckles, and the Spin Drive Smasher, which left Slater both completely stunned and unstable!

The Trotter Brothers took down the Driscoll Brothers respectively (Del took on Danny, and Rodney took on Tony) with seven Hadouken Fireballs, eight Hurricane Kicks, and nine Shoryuken Dragon Punches! Del finished off Danny with the Shinku Hadouken Fireball, and Rodney finished off Tony with the ShoryuReppa Dragon Punch! Both Driscolls weren't dead after those attacks, and would both be back on their feet in no time when they get to Casualty.

Del then turned to Slater, who gave a weak, pleading smile, but Del took him down mercilessly with the ShoryuReppa Dragon Punch!

Raquel then told Del, Rodney, and Hector, "Lift him up!"

The three Trotters lifted up a completely bloodied and beaten Slater, who weakly said to a fuming Raquel, "Rachel, please, we can still be friends, right? Best Friends Forever?"

Raquel thought about this for a few seconds, then replied to Slater with a cold look by saying while flipping the bird to her ex-husband, "Fuck you, Slater!"

With that said, Raquel kicked Slater square in his nuts, as well as take the signed divorce papers from his jacket!

"I've waited nearly 14 long years for this, Roy. And nothing is going to stop me from marrying this man! You can just kiss my ass and go straight to hell, Roy Slater!" said Raquel in an angry tone, as she pointed to Del, who smiled, then turned his attention to Pauline, who was struggling to get up.

Hector quickly exited the club, then returned instantly with a huge crate, as Del approached Pauline, and circled her while calmly asking, "You think you're so tall by killing all your ex-husbands, Ms. Harris?"

"Well, yes Del. I just want their money, that's all." replied Pauline, who was clutching her own chest from Michelle's sword slash.

Del said, "Of course you are, sweetheart. Why, you must be some kind of great woman to kill men who love you and show no remorse!"

As she kept looking at Del, Pauline managed to catch a glimpse of Michelle sticking her sword right at her leg! Pauline felt a sharp blow to her right shin, enough to make her collapse to the floor.

"This could get gruesome. Let's use these." said Hector, as he opened the huge crate to reveal a vast amount of guns. Hector picked up an AK-47, Rodney picked up two MAC10 Ingram Uzi's, Del picked up an M-63 Shotgun, Raquel picked up a Mossberg Shotgun, Ash picked up an M4A1 Assault Rifle, Michelle picked up a Remington M-1100 Shotgun, and Boycie picked up a .357 Magnum Revolver. Pauline looked up as the Trotter family laughed, Rodney flashed her a shiny mocking smile.

Del sat down next to Pauline and asked her, "I bet that really pisses you off! Pauline, you know I'm a very nice guy, don't you?"

"Del Boy, I think you're nothing but gullible putty in my hands." answered Pauline with the same smug smile she flashed at Del, Rodney, and Grandad way back in 1981.

That drew more laughs from the Trotters, as Del stood up, pumped his shotgun, pushed Pauline firmly on the ground with his right foot on her left arm, and aimed the twelve gauge at Pauline's head. He then looked at Pauline's left hand, and asked her, "Hey Pauline, ain't that the same hand in which you get your beautiful fingernails filed?"

Pauline answered, still smiling, "Yes Del, whaddya gonna do about it?"

"Well, let's see if I can't give those pretty little nails of yours a drastic improvement..." said Del Boy, as he then started to move the gun up and down randomly down Pauline's arm, making an obscene noise. The kind you hear when you're targeting a cardboard duck at a carnival shooting game. Del stopped at Pauline's hand and pumped the trigger on his shotgun, BANG! Pauline turned in time to see her left hand completely blow apart! Her eyes widening in horror and her big grin fading instantly, Pauline grasped her seperated hand with her other one and slowly started to stand up, staggering to the left and right.

"Well, give the woman a hand!" stated Del, as that caused the others, especially Rodney, Raquel, and Boycie, to laugh even louder and more hysterically.

Raising his uzi's at Pauline, Rodney laughed, "Hey, let's all share!"

Pauline turned her back to the family, as Michelle chuckled, "Alright, alright look out! Turn around, bitch!"

"Hey pretty girl! Hey, over here." giggled Raquel comically, as Pauline stopped and turned. Raquel pumped the trigger to her gun and, BANG! Hot lead seeped through Pauline's clothes. The rest of the Trotter family raised their own guns and started the carnage.

The combined rapid succession of twelve gauge, revolver, and machine gun blasts roared like thunder! As she screamed in bloodcurdling pain, Pauline felt her left arm come cleanly off at the shoulder. Blood spurted from Pauline's severed arteries and veins. Slugs pierced her blouse, causing Pauline to lose various internal organs through the large holes they made. Another whittled through Pauline's neck, stopping her screams. Her feet and legs were blasted down to nothing. Pauline tried to get up on her shattered limbs and failed, gagging and gasping for breath. Then the final shots collapsed her lungs. Falling to her knees, Pauline was a piled wreck.

Ash couldn't fire any more shots from his rifle, as he told Hector, "Dad, I'm outta ammo!"

"Me too!" said Michelle, dropping her shotgun.

"Does it hurt? _Does it hurt?_" Rodney asked a groaning Pauline, then laughed at her.

Hector said to Del, while tossing him a Desert Eagle, "Derek, I think you should do the honours."

Pauline, still on her knees, managed to sit up and notice Del aiming his gun at her head.

Del carefully took aim, as he told his ex-girlfriend, "Pauline, this one... is for Bobby Finch! See you in hell."

No longer the smug, confident, man-killing, gold-digger she once was, but now a blubbering, bleeding, broken wreck, Pauline pleaded weakly, "Please Del, no..."

Del pulled the slide back, indiscrimately pulling the trigger, BANG! The .50 caliber armor piercing NATO round whizzed through Pauline's forehead and came to a stop at the other end of the ruined blonde's head, causing her eyes to roll back, and her body to hit the floor with a hideous splat!

"Good night, sweet princess!" said a laughing Raquel, as Michelle stuck her sword right through Pauline's throat, then pulled it out again.

Hector told the bartender, "Call the police, an ambulance, and sanitation. This place is a mess!"

Rodney quickly pulled out a pen and paper and wrote a note saying "I, Roy Slater, killed all these people! Me! Whaddya gonna do about it?", placed it on Slater, and quickly told his brother and cousins, "I think we'd best get outta here!"

"Just one minute, Uncle Roddy." said Ash, as he and Michelle proceeded to slice the crippled bodies of Tommy Mackay, Miranda Davenport, and Arnie and his sons into little tiny itty bitty pieces with their respective weapons, the sword and the chainsaw, while Ash hummed Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust_"_ all the way. Del quickly stopped them from slicing up Slater and the Driscolls by saying, "Leave them. They've learned their lesson."

Del, Rodney, Raquel, Hector, Ash, and Michelle all headed off home. Boycie quickly kicked both Driscolls in the head for good measure before leaving too.

A few minutes later, the sound of sirens could be heard outside, and numerous police officers and paramedics burst into the room, including Slater's ex-right-hand man, Terry Hoskins, who was now a Lieutenant in the police force.

Hoskins looked at the note on Slater, and said to him, "Tsk tsk tsk, long time no see, but you disappoint me, sir!" With that said, Hoskins gave Slater a fierce kick to the stomach, as well as shouting at his former boss, "I'm tired of sitting in your fucking shadow, Slater!"

The paramedics loaded Slater and the Driscoll Brothers into an ambulance, while the dead bodies of Pauline Harris, Tommy Mackay, The Axe Murderer, Miranda Davenport, Arnie and his sons, and the muggers were all put in body bags onto another ambulance.

Tony said to Danny with a whisper, "We'll get that Boycie someday, y'know!"

Back at Trotter Towers at Nelson Mandela House, Cassandra was worried.

Tina kept her calm with some good homemade cooking and said, "Relax Cass, I'm sure Hot-Rod, Del, and Hector are OK."

"Well, if you say so, Tina..." said Cassandra, as she tried to comfort Joan, who was crying, while Damien was listening to loud rap music. Just then, Del, Rodney, Raquel, Hector, Michelle, and Ash all entered the flat, their clothes torn and covered in blood from that big fight! Cassandra and Tina both quickly embraced their respective husbands.

"Roddy, are you alright?" asked Cassandra in a concerned voice.

Rodney answered with a smile, "I'm OK, Cass. We just had a little argument with a business client. And I got back at the asshole who gave you the miscarriage" Cassandra smiled in appreciation.

Del told Raquel about how she handled Slater, "Damn Raquel, you've got some Lovely Jubbly fighting skills because of the way you handled Slater!"

Raquel explained, "Well, there were a lot of bullies in my neighbourhood when I was a kid. So my parents got me karate lessons."

"Really? Nah, you're pulling my leg!" replied Del teasingly.

"No, it's true. I even got a red belt because of my focused energy in combat." said Raquel, who showed everybody in the flat her divorce papers from Slater. Damien smiled and said, "Straight up, Mom!"

Hector smiled proudly, as Del got down on one knee and said to Raquel, "Raquel, I know it's been too long but, will you marry me?"

Raquel said with tears of joy in her eyes, "Oh Del, yes I will!"

Del and Raquel embraced with a kiss, as Rodney, Cassandra, Damien, Hector, Tina, Ash, and Michelle all applauded.

To be continued...

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	3. A Stroll Down Memory Lane

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**Chapter 3: A Stroll Down Memory Lane**

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**September 14, 2004**

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A week later, the M.I. Landrover, the Capri Ghia, and the Reliant Regal were both making their way towards the same church in Hampshire where the Trotters witnessed Trigger's niece Lisa get married in 1987, and where Freddie the Frog buried his bullion of gold at sea prior to his death in 1963. As both vehicles stopped, Hector got out of the landrover, while Rodney alighted from the van, and Del Boy exited the Pratmobile.

"So Rodney, was it true that your father is really the late great gentleman thief Freddie the Frog?" asked Hector casually.

Rodney took a deep breath and answered, "Yes. I first thought it was a rumour 16 years ago, but I eventually found out the complete truth last year."

Hector then turned to Del and said, "And Del, I talked to Trigger's aunt Reeny on the phone, and she said that neither you, Trigger, or Boycie knew anything about Freddie, but yet last year, you admitted you were best friends with Freddie when you were all part of the Jolly Boys dating back to the early 1960's."

"Well, I oughta come clean, Hector. Back in 1987, the thing was that... I lied to Reeny when I said I didn't know anything about Uncle Freddie. Anyway, I used to go on the Jolly Boys' Outing with him each year until his accidental death in 1963!" replied Del in a calm tone.

"That makes perfect sense, doesn't it? And the fact that he arranged a phony funeral to bury his gold at sea, right?" said Hector with a smile, as he looked out to the sea, the wind gently blowing at both his beret and Del's market cap.

"But it's out of our reach!" groaned Rodney.

"Not for me, it's not!" said Hector confidentally, as he took his clothes, stripping himself right down to his fancy Speedos underwear, showing off his muscular body. Rodney and Del both glared in total surprise, as Hector made a perfect 10-star dive off the cliff straight into the water.

Half an hour had passed since Hector dove into the water to retrieve Freddie the Frog's lost gold.

"Maybe we should call the Coast Guard, Del?" Rodney asked his older brother.

Del responded with, "Coast Guard?! Don't be daft, Rodney!"

Suddenly, Hector rose up out of the sea, carrying the very big and heavy coffin with Freddie the Frog's gold in it!

"Bloody hell! You almost gave me a freaking heart attack, Hector!" said Del in both total shock and surprise!

Del and Rodney both helped Hector bring the coffin to shore. Del then opened it, revealing tons of gold bullion inside!

"Lovely Jubbly! Look at all that lovely gold, boys!" said Del, as he admired all the gold bullion.

"Hector, it's a complete mystery to me how were you able to survive underwater for half an hour!" Rodney told Hector curiously.

As he dried himself off with a towel, Hector asked his cousins, "D'you know what the other sailors nicknamed me during the Cold War?"

"Jonah?" asked Rodney sarcastically.

"No, they didn't call me Jonah! They used to call me Merman Trotter, 'cos I swam great distances underwater while holding my breath! Didn't even need to use any scuba equipment!" answered Hector.

"Betcha' Flipper, Jabberjaw, and the Man from Atlantis were glad of that?" said Del.

Hector then went on to say, "Back in high school, I was the fastest swimmer in my class. I was even elected captain of my high school swimming team." Del cocked an eyebrow.

Hector went on to say, "Y'see, it was through this gifted ability I was able to meet Tina. Back in 1984, as I was swimming underwater all the way back to the ship from a reconnaissance mission on a secret Russian camp, I saw Tina for the first time, trying to get her foot out from a pile of rocks! Being the gentleman that I am, I swam down as fast as I could, removed the rocks, and saved Tina from drowning. When we got to shore, I introduced myself to Tina. She was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. From that day forward, we began dating. Sure, we had our ups and downs in the same way you two had with Raquel and Cassandra, but me and Tina managed to still stick together and get married in 1988. A year later in 1989, my wife gave birth to Michelle, then gave birth to Ash the following year in 1990."

"What a great story, Hector. That's making me more eager to marry Raquel!" said Del happily.

Hector smiled, got his clothes back on, rubbed his hands together, and said, "Yeah, you know it makes sense. Del, why don't you and Raquel go out for a while sometime in the week. Me and Rodney will sort everything out to make it the perfect wedding!"

"We will?" asked Rodney confusedly.

For now, Del, Rodney, and Hector loaded most of the gold bullion into the van, the pratmobile, and the landrover before driving off.

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**September 15, 2004**

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Five days later, Del and Raquel were walking down the streets of Peckham, until they arrived at the Waterloo Station, the very same place where they first met in 1988.

"Do you remember this place, Del?" asked Raquel.

Del replied with a warm smile, "Of course, Raquel. This is where we first met, seemed like only yesterday... And I thought it was Brief Encounter that had the spaceship."

Raquel laughed, as she and Del walked by the Hilton Restaurant.

"And this is where we had our first meal together..." said Raquel.

And with that, it's time to begin the flashbacks on the history of the relationship between Derek "Del Boy" Trotter and Rachel "Raquel" Turner...

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**November 16, 1988**

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The clock at Waterloo Station stood at 12:45pm. Del Boy had gotten fed up carring the bouquet and now reacted and put flowers on the floor. Del checked his watch and then the station clock. Then, there was a good-looking woman approaching the clock. This was Raquel Turner, the date that Del was going to meet. She had long brunette hair, was aged 31, nice, friendly, attractive and had a good figure, and studied her appearance. Her clothes were smart but not designer stuff. She was a working class girl (from any part of the country) and had to watch the pennies. At this point, like Del, Raquel was nervous. She looked at the clock and reacted to being so late. Raquel now saw Del who had his back to her.

"Hello." said Raquel tenatively.

Del turned and looked her up and down quickly. He didn't realise at first that it was his date. To Del, actresses are either the war-paint and cleavage brigade or the trendy bohemian type. But this girl doesn't fit his picture. Del thought to himself, "She's... she's... _GORGEOUS!!!_" before telling her about a policeman and a prostitute he bumped into earlier, "Just now he nearly nicked one of your mates, so I'd have it away on your toes if I was you."

Raquel asked in a bewildered tone, "Is it Derek?"

"Raquel?" asked Del.

"Yes. Hi." replied Raquel.

Del said, "Hello. I'm sorry about that."

Raquel then responded with, "No, I should appologise for being so late. You know what these trains are like. Have you been waiting long?"

Del answered, as he picked up the bouquet of flowers, "Well, since about ten o'clock this morning, y'know. No, not really, just joking. This is for you."

Raquel couldn't believe her eyes, as she said, "Is it? You shouldn't have gone to all this expense."

Del said, "Mais oui, mais oui. Well, I've booked a table at my favourite restaurant - if that is alright with you?"

"Oh yeah, sounds lovely." said Raquel.

Del then gestured towards the taxi rank, as he said, "Your carriage awaits."

Raquel replied, "Thank you."

The two began walking away, as Raquel quipped, "This is a bit like _**Brief Encounter**_, isn't it?"

Del asked, "You reckon?"

"That's my favourite film." answered Raquel.

"Mine as well." said Del.

Raquel asked, "Really?"

Del went on to say, "Yes. I loved the bit at the end when the big space ship comes down and the little Martians come out."

They walked on, as Raquel corrected Del by saying, "That's _**Close Encounters**_."

Del, feeling stupid with himself, said, "Yeah. I loved it."

At the Hilton Restaurant, the bouquet was in evidence. Raquel was seated alone at a table with her untouched starter. She sipped her white wine nervously and obviously was feeling slightly out of her depth. Del was standing just outside the entrance to the restaurant area, talking quietly to the head waiter named Charles, who seemed rather concerned to Del's request, but his attitude altered as Del sliped a £20 note into his palm. Charles smiled and nodded in a "a pleasure, sir" manner.

Del now walked to the table, as he told Raquel, "Sorry about that. I had to get a message to an old friend."

"Oh that's okay." said Raquel.

Del, obviously referring to the starter, said, "Well go on get stuck in, don't wait for me." They both ate their meals.

Raquel said, "This is wonderful."

"Well, you can't go wrong here. I hope you don't mind me saying this, Raquel, but well I'm very surprised to find that someone like you - attractive and talented - at a computer dating agency." said Del happily.

"Well, I might say the same about you. A successful person - managing director of his own import-export business. Why did you go to them?" asked Raquel.

Del answered, "Dunno really."

Raquel then said, "I suppose I was grabbing at straws really. I've been married before and that was a disaster, and I've had - you know - relationships. with men which have always ended unhappily. Maybe it's been the same for you?"

"No, blokes don't do a lot for me." answered Del.

Raquel was a bit emotional, as she said, "You know what I mean! I found I used to take my relationships seriously - used to plan and stupid things like that. But they were just playing a game. Anyway, when I saw the agency's advertisement I thought; why not? At least I knew I'd be meeting someone who wanted me to be there. Was it the same for you?"

Del replied, "Yeah, exactly. I just thought y'know that you being an actress you'd meet lots of people - on the film sets and that sort of thing."

Raquel then said in an embarrassed tone, "Look, I've got to be honest with you. The agency asked me what I did for a living, so I said I was an actress. Well I suppose that's what I am. I'm a member of the union, at least. I had one line in a _**Doctor Who**_ episode about ten years ago. I was a lizard person. I've done fringe theatre and that sort of thing, but I never got the chance to - "make it". I gave it all up for nine years while I was married. My husband was one of those old-fashioned types who said there should only be one bread winner."

Del was understanding about it, as he said, "Yeah, my dad was like that. He used to get up at six every morning to make sure my mum got to work." There was a disbelieving look from Raquel, which made Del Boy say, "No, straight up."

"Anyway, recently I've tried to pick up my career - for what it was. But I can't see me ever doing anything." said Raquel.

Del said so fancy-like, "Au contraire Raquel. This time next year, you'll be a star!"

Raquel said teasingly, "Oh come on."

"She who dares wins. That is my motto. No matter what has happened in our lives I've always said that to my kid brother, "Rodney, this time, next year, we'll be millionaires!"" said Del reassuringly.

Raquel then added, "And look at you now."

Del continued, "Yeah! Look at me now. The secret is never giving in, if you want something bad enough, you'll get it, as long as you don't stop believing!"

Raquel smiled at him and said, "This is nice... There's a lovely feeling of... I don't know - honesty."

"Yeah... well... that's what it's all about, innit?" replied Del Boy, as Raquel nodded in agreement.

The head waiter Charles approached the couple and said, "Mr. Duval."

Del said, "Yes."

"I'm terribly sorry to bother you, sir there's an important call from your New York office." said Charles.

"Oh, thank you very much, Charles." replied Del, as he then turned to Raquel and said, "I'm sorry about this."

"Please, it's no problem. said Raquel.

Del stood and took a step forward. Now a change of mind, as he told the waiter, "Charles. You tell them I'm busy."

"Of course, sir." said Charles, as he left.

Raquel quipped, "Please, don't do this for me."

Del raised his glass to success, as he said, "No, no. I'm enjoying the company and I'm not gonna have it spoilt by some soppy problem in New York. These Yanks have gotta learn to make decisions for themselves. To success."

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**September 15, 2004**

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Del Boy and Raquel then walked down the street where Raquel used to live before her tour in the Middle East.

"Remember when you first came here?" asked Raquel.

"Yeah. It was nice and cosy." said Del.

Later, at another section of London, as he and Raquel passed by a sleazy club, Del spotted a poster hyping a show featuring a stripper. He said, "Blimey Raquel, was the joke really on me when I found out that you were a stripper!"

"And it took us a whole week to make up." laughed Raquel.

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**November 19, 1988**

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As Albert was singing a very rude song at his 68th birthday party at the Nag's Head, a tall naval officer aged about 40 and carrying a naval officer's topcoat, and a wren had entered. The two naval officers talked to one of the regulars who pointed in Albert's direction. The two began to make their way through the crowd. They were stern and officious.

Albert had not noticed the naval officers as he said, "All together now, Oohhh!"

The Naval Officer said in a posh voice, "Albert Trotter?"

Albert answered, as he saluted, "Aye, sir, ma'am."

"Able Seaman Albert Gladstone Trotter, late of Her Majesty's ship HMS Peerless?" asked the Naval Officer.

Albert replied, "Aye, sir."

The Naval Officer then said, "I'm placing you under arrest." There was a shocked murmur from the crowd.

Del Boy said in a calm tone, "They're only nicking him, look!"

"What's goin' on?" asked Rodney in a shocked tone.

The Naval Officer continued, "You will be taken to the naval stockade, Portsmouth, where you will await court martial."

Albert, completely shocked, asked, "Yeah, but why?"

"Dereliction of duty. November 19th 1941. While serving the Royal Pacific fleet. You did wantonly abandon your watch duties. Thus causing the sinking of HMS Peerless and causing considerable damage to the American vessel USS Pittsburgh." answered the Naval Officer.

Albert protested by saying, "But... but... that was nearly 50 years ago!"

But the Naval Officer responded, "The original papers have only just been discovered in the vaults of Admiralty Headquarters, Singapore."

Now running out of options, Albert complained, "I couldn't understand the radar, it was all blibs and blobs."

The Naval Officer ignored that last statement, turned to the Wren, and said, "Read the charges, petty officer."

"Aye, aye, sir." said the Wren, as she produced some official looking paperwork.

"Able Seaman Albert Gladstone Trotter. You are hereby ordered by her Majesty the Queen, by the high Lords of the Admiralty, and by all your friends and relatives to have a very happy birthday." said the Wren, as she started taking off her clothes. Albert reacted in total surprise. The shirt and tie that the Wren was wearing were false and only covered the visible area. She now tore it off and unbuttoned her tunic to reveal a skimpy black bra.

At the same time the Wren started singing, "I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China, all to myself alone." Obviously by now everyone knews it was a set-up and were laughing and winding Albert up. Del and Rodney were both on the periphery of the crowd and so hadn't seen everything clearly.

Rodney asked his older brother about the stripping Wren, "Is this your birthday surprise?"

Del could hardly speak with laughter, as he replied, "Yeah. I saw the strippergram in the local paper. I've done him up like a kipper. Look at the old sod's face."

The Wren removed her skirt to reveal stockings and suspenders, while still singing, "Leave all your worries on a far away shore."

Albert pointed at Del and said to him jokingly, "You wait! I'll get you back for this, you toerag!"

As the crowd parted slightly, Del was still roaring with laughter. His laughter began to die as, for the first time, he saw the Wren clearly. As she turns towards Del, he saw that, despite the wig, it was indeed Raquel, as she stopped singing at, "All to myself alone. Yes I'd like to get you..."

"Raquel?" asked Del Boy shockingly. Raquel just shook her head. The crowd were murmuring.

"Raquel! Is this the "actress" you've been telling us about Del?" asked Boycie, as he roared with laughter. Other people were now laughing as well.

"That's your Raquel?" asked Rodney, who also started to laugh. Del could not answer. He was hurt, deeply hurt. He was filled with rage and embarrassment but above all disappointment. Del stared at Raquel. He'd like to cry, he'd like to die. Del turned and exited to a backcloth of laughter and derision. Rodney's laughter died instantly as he realized the seriousness of the situation.

Del stormed outside of the pub and towards the Reliant Regal. He paused and looked up to the heavens. He wanted to punch, he wanted to kill, he wanted to burst into tears and melt into the tarmac. Del moved to the van, punched it, and kicks the tyre. He now fell against the van (facing it), exhausted with anger and frustration. Rodney had followed him out and was standing a few yards behind. Rodney didn't know how to handle the situation or what to say, but his loyalty made him stay. Del became aware of someone's presence. He turned with killer eyes towards Rodney.

Rodney's nervousness makes his greeting overcheerful, "Alright?"

Del shook his head, as he replied angrily, "Oddly enough... I am not alright!"

Rodney tried to calm Del down by saying, "Look, Del. Don't get out your pram over it."

This made Del lash out in pure anger, "Don't get out my pram? _**Don't get out my pram?!**_ She just humiliated me in front of my friends!"

Rodney replied, "But you booked her!"

Del snapped back, "No, Rodney. I booked a strippergram. I did not know it was her because I did not know she did that for a living! I thought she was an actress. That is what she said she was. Instead, she goes round pubs dressed in stockings and suspender belts flashing her thru'penny bits at blokes!"

Rodney quipped, "I shouldn't worry about it, Del. I don't think many of 'em were taking much notice." Del's glare killed that theory, as Rodney continued, "Anyway, what about a few years ago, when you used to go out with that bird Monique. Now she used to go around in public wearing next to nothing on."

"She was a life-guard!" replied Del coldly.

"Yeah, alright." said Rodney.

Del climbed into the van. Raquel rushed out from the pub and into the car park. She was wearing the naval officer's topcoat.

Raquel was crying and the coat, being miles too long for her, made her look all the more pathetic, as she shouted to Del, "Del! Wait a minute."

Rodney stopped her, as he said, "I wouldn't talk to him yet, love. Just leave him, he'll calm down in a... year or so."

Del screamed from the van window, "You lied to me!"

Raquel said emotionally, "No I didn't! I never told you I wasn't a stripper! And anyway, that's the pot calling the kettle black. I've just found out your name is Trotter. You told me you were called Derek Duval!"

Rodney, suspecting the disguise name, said, "Derek Duval!"

Del snarled, "That was just a slip of the tongue!"

"And you didn't tell me you were a market trader! And I suppose this is the Ferrari?" responded Raquel, as she also referred to the van.

Del explained, "Alright, so I might occasionally tell the odd porkie or two, but I tell you something I don't do, I don't go round pubs dressed in stocking and suspenders flashing me boobs at geezers! Do I, Rodney?"

Rodney replied, "No, he's never done anything like that."

"Thank you." said Del.

Raquel explained, "Oh Del, please listen to me. I just do this a couple of evenings a week to pay for my drama lessons! I man, where did you think I found the money to live on?"

Del answered, "I don't know... I thought you were on the old rock 'n' roll, didn't I?"

Raquel responded, "No, I'm not on the dole, I pay for my own way in this world! I'm sorry you don't like what I do for a living. This may come as a surprise to you but I don't bloody like it either! Anyway, you said you wanted me to meet your family."

"Yes, but I meant with your bloody clothes on! I got black balled for you!" snapped Del Boy.

Raquel, really losing it, said, "I'm sorry! But before you start moralising too much, just remember one thing, you booked me for this evening."

Del shouted, "But I didn't know it would be you!"

Raquel replied sarcastically, "Oh, so it would have been alright for you and your mates to leer and lust over a stranger."

Del answered confusedly, "Yes... No... Oh, I don't know!"

"Look, this is probably a daft question, but, do you want to see me anymore?" asked Raquel.

Del answered with frustration building up in his voice, "Yes, of course I want to see you again, sweetheart. But next time I'll pay at the door like all the other punters."

Really hurt emotionally by those words, Raquel then turned and walked away.

Rodney moved hesitantly towards Del, and told him, "There was no need to say that to her, Del."

"I know there wasn't, now I wish I hadn't. But it's like most things in my life, it's too bloody late." said Del very coldly, as he climbed into the van and turns engine.

After a couple of turns there was a clanking sound - and oil and steam gushed out from beneath the van. Del alighted from the van calmly, as he said, "I fancied a bit of a walk, anyway." And Del Boy walked off into the night in the opposite direction to Raquel.

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**November 26, 1988**

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At Sid's Cafe, Sid was behind the counter, fag in mouth, serving a customer. Del Boy, who was morose and still hurting from the events of last week, was seated at a table reading a newspaper. He looked up from his paper unable to concentrate.

Sid approached and started wiping down the table, as he asked, "Is that true?"

"Is what true?" asked Del, not fully understanding the question.

Sid answered, "All these rumours I've been hearing about you falling in love with some stripper."

Del, being all Jack the lad again, said, "Oh leave it out, Sid. I wasn't in love with her, I was, knocking about with her, you know what I mean?"

Sid quipped, "That's what I thought. I told 'em, Del Boy wouldn't get serious over some tart."

It was like a knife going through Del, but he had to play the part, as he falsely admitted, "That's right. What do you think I am - some sort of wally?"

Rodney entered, as he told Sid, "Cup of tea please, Sid." Rodney then sat down with Del and said, "Alright? Oh what's up with you now? Is it the hundred and seventy-five quid repairs to the van - is it _her_?"

"Her?" asked Del Boy.

Rodney responded, "Raquel."

Del just refused by saying, "I've never known anyone called Raquel."

"No, right." said Rodney, who desperately thought of something to say to cheer his older brother up. "You coming down the Coach and Horse tonight, they've got a strip... comedian on." said Rodney, although he had to quickly change gears before saying the word "stripper".

Del cooled down and answered, "No, I think I'll stay in, bruv, and watch a bit of telly. There's one of them Chekov plays on BBC2... load of old cobblers."

Rodney moved to the counter and picked up his tea. As he returned, the door opened and Raquel entered. Rodney and Raquel look at each other for an embarrassing moment.

"Raquel, what a lovely surprise! Look who's here, Del." Rodney said to Del, who just looked up and then back to his paper.

Rodney then looked back at Raquel and asked, "Have you got time for a cup of tea?"

Raquel just plain answered, "I don't know." She then looked at Del and asked, "Have I got time for a cup of tea?"

Del just answered, "Well, it's a free country, innit?"

"There you are see, I told you he'd mellow after a bit. Well, I've gotta go somewhere to... somewhere. Here, have my tea." said Rodney, as he handed his tea to Raquel and then exited just to run into and get chewed out by Mrs. Sansom, mother of recent Nag's Head barmaid, Nervous Nerys.

Back inside the cafe, Raquel sat at the table. She and Del looked at each other. Del then looked back to his paper.

Raquel asked, "What sort of week have you had?"

Del bluffed by responding, "Blinding! You?"

Raquel, not afraid to speak her mind, answered, "Rotten!"

Del just chirped, "It's a tough old world, innit??"

Raquel just plain said, "Tougher than I ever imagined... I've, em, I've resigned from the strippergram agency."

Del said with a smile, "Oh good."

Raquel then continued, "I've signed on the dole."

"It's a step up the ladder innit? Why didn't you tell me what you did? Why did you let me find out like that?" asked Del.

Raquel explained, "You don't think I wanted you to find out in that way, do you? That night I took a job to give birthday greetings to someone called Albert Trotter. It had been paid for by someone called Derek Trotter. Now if I had known your real name I would have realised it was you and not taken the job!"

Del then added, "You still didn't tell me what you did for a living."

Raquel then continued to explain, "I was hoping there'd be no need to. After I met you and I realized we were becoming close, I'd planned to pack the whole strippergram business in. Then you'd have been none the wiser. It didn't work out that way."

Del then said angrily, "I thought I knew you! I knew nothing. You were all disguises and secrets!"

Raquel, feeling really guilty about it, apologized by saying, "I'm sorry... I'm going on a tour."

Del replied, "Yeah? I bet it's a mystery one."

Raquel answered, "No, it's no mystery. An agent called me a couple of days ago. It could be helpful to my career."

Del said, "Cushty..."

Raquel, feeling a bit sad, explained, "You won't have to worry about bumping into me. It's a tour of the Middle East."

Del, confused, asked, "The Middle East? I didn't know they went in for all that Uncle Vanya and Run for your Wife, stuff."

Raquel answered, "No, it's not a play. It's a revue, dancing, that sort of thing.

Del then explained, "Oh use your noodle, Raquel! You read about that sort of thing in the Sunday papers. You'll end up as a hostess in some topless dive in the Kasbah!"

Raquel gave another explanation by saying, "No, it's an official tour, all above board."

Del, feeling a bit worried, said, "You could be kidnapped and end up in a harlem!"

Raquel just laughed it off by saying, "Don't be silly."

Del then gave in and said, "Oh, alright then. If that's what you want."

Raquel just replied, "It's not what I want. It's the next best thing... it's a shame the two of us couldn't have been more honest with each other."

Del then admitted, "I was straight with you... alright, alright, so I called myself Duval. That's nothing, is it? Just a joke. I didn't tell you any other lies!"

"Del." said Sid, who gestured for Del to come over to the counter.

"What's he want?" asked Del.

Raquel answered sarcastically, "Maybe it's another call from your New York office."

Del smiled at this. Raquel returned his smile, and the situation had now softened.

Del moved to the counter and Sid handed him his breakfast. Del returned to the table with his breakfast (bacon, egg, tomatoes and fried bread).

Raquel then said comfortably, "Del, I just wanna say thanks."

Del asked, "What for?"

Raquel answered, "For a lot of things. For being the only man I've met who wanted me to keep my clothes on! For getting yourself black-balled for me and for - I don't know - giving me back some self-esteem. I used to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think, "Oh, you again!" But after I met you, I used to wake up and think, "Great, another day, you're gonna be somebody!" ...This time next year, I'll be famous. Thanks for that."

Del was moved by this, as he looked into her eyes and asked, "Raquel... would you like a piece of my fried bread?"

"Thanks." replied Raquel happily, as she took half of his fried bread.

Del then asked, "When are you leaving?"

Raquel answered, "Tomorrow afternoon. Gotta cab coming at twelve. It's taking me to Waterloo station. That's ironic isn't it? It doesn't have to be the end. We could still go on seeing each other."

"Yeah, I'll pop over to Addis Ababa and catch the show." said Del.

"I mean, I don't have to go." explained Raquel.

Del then responded, "You said you'd already agreed to it."

Raquel explained, "If I'm not there, I'm not there. They'll have to find a replacement. That shouldn't be that difficult, thousands of girls are begging for a chance like this."

Del, feeling both happy and sad for Raquel, just plain replied, "I don't know what to say sweetheart. It's taken me a bit by surprise."

Raquel then said, "I've done all my thinking and I know what I want. If you want me to stay, then I will. And I'm not talking about any heavy commitment like marriage or even living together. We could just - be there for each other. Think about it, won't you?"

Del answered, "Yeah, of course I will."

"If you like the idea just be at my flat tomorrow. If not, I'll understand." said Raquel.

Del then chirped, "Yeah, just gimme a bit of time, that's all."

Raquel said with a warm smile, "Okay. Thanks for the fried bread. I'll see you... maybe?"Del nodded.

Raquel exited, and Del moved to the counter, as he told Sid, "I can't eat the breakfast, Sid, I've lost my appetite."

Sid asked, "Here, was that the stripper?"

No longer letting it bother him, Del answered, "No, Sid. That lady is an up-and-coming actress."

Sid replied, "Don't recognise her."

Del then said with a big smile, "But you will. This time next year, she'll be famous!"

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**September 15, 2004**

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At the recently repaired Down by the Riverside Club, Del and Raquel were watching a magic show involving a lovely assistant.

Del asked his future wife, "Remember when we accidentally re-met in Margate, sweetheart?"

Raquel started thinking back to that faithful night in Margate 14 and a half years ago, and said, "Yeah Del, and I haven't forgotten the dumb way you tried to stand up for me." Del laughed.

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**November 18, 1989**

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At the Mardi Gras nightclub in Margate, as Del Boy, Rodney, Mike, Trigger, and Boycie were talking about the various places they were staying at for the night, the chairman Eddie Chambers took to the stage, and said on a microphone, "And now the Margate Mardi Gras is very proud to introduce to you one of Europe's greatest magicians. Ladies and gentlemen, will you give a big Mardi Gras welcome to the Great Raymondo and Raquel."

The Great Raymondo and Raquel were now on the stage. There was a board on an easel which tell us it is indeed: "**The Great Raymondo & Raquel**". Raymondo went into his act with a gentle trick - turning several scarves into a big silk scarf. Raquel was prancing around Debbie Maghee fashion with the fixed smile of the synchronised swimmer, obviously wishing she wasn't doing this.

Rodney, over the above introduction and entrance, asked, "Oi! Where's Alan?"

Boycie answered, "Oh of course, you wouldn't have heard about that, would you? Well, you know how much Alan loves shellfish? Well he ate half the ocean bed today. Until at some time or another, he copped an unfortunate whelk!"

Trigger started to notice Raquel and ask, "Where have I seen that bird before?"

The fellow Jolly Boys all looked to the stage. Mike turned to Del and said, "It's that sort, wossername? The one you went out with for a while, Del."

Boycie laughed, "It's Raquel, the strippagram!"

Del just snorted, "No, it is not!"

Rodney then said, "It is, Del."

Del asked, "Mmm?"

Rodney pointed to the board and said, "You look at the board: The Great Raymondo and Raquel!"

Del, now doing a double-take of the stage to see if it was Raquel, said in total shock, "Blimey! It is her!"

On the stage, Raymondo was in the process of turning a scarf into a dove.

As he did so, Del stood and called out to Raquel in a hushed tone, "Pssstt."

Raymondo didn't hear this and produced the dove to rapturous applause. He guided the dove gently in Raquel's direction. The dove flew onto her outstretched arm. Raymondo now started producing another dove.

Knowing that Raquel didn't hear him, Del tried again, "Pssttt!"

This time Raymondo heard the noise. He looked down inside his jacket, worried that his "balloon trick" may have started too early. Raymondo just shrugged it off and produced the second dove and it flew to Raquel's arm. Raymondo was now producing the third dove.

Very desperate to get his old girlfriend's attention, Del shouted out loudly, "Raquel!"

This time, Raquel has heard someone call her. She squinted out through the stage lights to the audience.

As Raymondo produced the third glove and guided it in Raquel's direction, Raquel spotted Del, and was delighted and excited at seeing him by asking, "Del?"

At that point she dropped her arm. The two doves sitting on her arm flew off, leaving a few feathers floating. The third dove, finding nowhere to land, joined his two friends in flying all around the room. The three doves were flying over the heads of the guests. Reacting fearfully, Raymondo had feathers floating down in front of his face and his highly trained doves were whizzing all over the club.

Del just cheerfully asked Raquel, "Alright?"

Raquel now tried to regain her professional composure. The audience was hushed, embarrassed by the performers' embarrassment. But Del, who didn't know a good performance from a bad one and was in love with Raquel, applauded and said, "Ah! Ha ha! Bloody clever that, innit eh? Marvelous!"

A few minutes later, Del and Raquel were seated at the bar. Raquel was wearing a silk dressing gown as if to suggest that she was still in costume and was due back on stage.

"So I got back to England about six months ago. I wasn't sure what to do with myself - I haven't got any family, except a brother in Milton Keynes, but we haven't spoken for years. So I saw my agent and she tied me in with Ray." said Raquel.

Del replied confusedly, "Ray? Oh yeah."

Raquel explained, "He was working in a holiday camp down in Devon - his last assistant had walked out on him - well, he's a bit of a pig. Anyway, after that, we got a three-month contract here. Oh, it's not much but it's a job, it keeps a roof over my head."

Del also had a right to explain where he was when Raquel left for the Middle East a year ago, as he told her, "Yeah... I didn't mean to let you down, you know. I was on my way round to see you and I was... um... unexpectedly arrested."

Raquel completely understood, as she said, "I know, it's alright, you've already explained."

Del then asked, "Why didn't you write to me?"

"Write to you? I thought you'd dumped me! I've got pride, Del! I've never written to the other blokes who've dumped me and I wasn't starting with you!" answered Raquel.

Del changed the topic, gestured to the waiter, and asked, "D'you want another drink?"

Raquel responded, "No, I'm back on stage in a little while... up - I haven't - you know - I've not been interested."

Del, obviously lying through his teeth, chirped, "No, no, nor me." Raquel knew he was lying and grinned at him. "No, no, honest!" admitted Del.

Raquel then said warmly, "Yeah, alright, I believe you."

Del then asked, "Anyway, what you gonna do... uh... when this contract's finished?"

Raquel answered, "Oh, I'm leaving the act. I can't stand Ray anymore. He's got a temper, sometimes he frightens me. Don't know where I'll go."

Del suggested that, "Peckham's very nice this time of year."

Raquel then asked, "Is it?"

Del then went on to say, "I know a lovely little flat you could stay at, an' all."

"Oh, maybe I'll try Peckham then. Thanks." said Raquel.

Del then asked his girlfriend, "Raquel, would you give me your autograph?"

Raquel just answered playfully and teasingly, "Get away!"

Del just quipped, "No, I mean it, straight. Honest."

Raquel then gave in, and prepared to do so, as she said, "I've never given an autograph before."

Del handed Raquel a beer mat from the bar, and said, "Well look, it's easy. All you got to do, look, is just write your name... and your address and your telephone number."

Raquel smiled and wrote. As she was doing this, an angry Raymondo approached the bar. He was still in his costume.

Del cheerfully asked Raymondo, "Alright? Get your pigeons back alright?"

Raymondo snapped at both Del and Raquel, "Yes, I did! Raquel, I don't know what the hell you were playing at on that stage, but don't you ever let that happen again!"

Raquel apologetically said, "I'm sorry, Ray. I was distracted."

"Oh! Professionals are not distracted, love! You either get your act together or you find somewhere else! There's plenty more where you came from. We're on in ten minutes!" replied Raymondo viciously.

Raquel just said disgustingly, "Alright, Ray, I'm coming."

Raymondo exited, as a seething Del asked Raquel, "D'you want me to whack him for you? Eh?"

Raquel successfully calmed Del down by answering, "Del, please, please! Stay out of it? My contract hasn't long to run so all I want to do is keep him sweet. Besides, he's right, it was unprofessional of me."

Del shrugged off by saying, "Oh well."

Raquel then got up out her seat and said, "I'll see you then."

"Yeah. You've still got my address, haven't you?" asked Del.

Raquel answered, "Yeah."

Del then said happily, "Yeah, well, you know, you can write to me or phone me, you know, if you like. You won't forget, will you?"

"Oh, I'll never forget you, Del." said a very happy Raquel, as she kissed him and then exited the club. Del watched her departure, love beaming from his eyes.

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**November 19, 1989**

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Two o'clock, early Sunday morning. At another flat in Margate, in the lounge, four doors lead off the lounge. One was the entry door from the hallway. One was the entry door to kitchen, another was the door to the first bedroom, and the fourth one was the door to the second bedroom. Raquel entered from the hall. She went immediately to the wall mirror and started brushing her hair and checking her face and clothes in an effort to smarten herself up. Del Boy and Rodney now entered the lounge from the hallway, their collars turned up against the cold.

"Oh, that's better. Cor, it's 'taters out there." said Del, referring to the warmth of the lounge.

Rodney apologized by saying, "Oh, sorry about this, Raquel."

Raquel asked, "Oh, that's okay. So what happened?"

Del explained, "Well, the old girl where we were staying, she locks her doors at eleven. Well, I mean, we didn't leave your nightclub till gone one, did we?"

Raquel then said, as she gestured to the furniture, "Well, I'm afraid an armchair and a settee is the best I can offer you."

Del chirped, "No, no, that's... that's great. Go on. No, that's... that'll be lovely, Raquel. Yeah. It's alright, look, we'll be away first thing in the morning - 'cos our new coach comes about nine o'clock. Listen, sweetheart, you can't give us something to warm the old cockles, can you?"

Raquel then suggested, "Yeah, OK. I'll make you a coffee."

Feeling disappointed, Del replied, "Oh yeah. Cushty. Cushty."

Raquel exited to the kitchen, as Del turned to Rodney and said, "She's a blinding bird, ain't she, Rodney, eh?"

Rodney responded, "What, Raquel? Yes. T'riffic, Del."

Del said happily, "She's got a radiant smile, have you noticed that?"

Rodney asked, "What, her radiant smile?"

Del answered, "Yeah."

Rodney agreed, "Yeah."

Del then explained, "Yeah, well, you can't miss it can you? I mean, you know... I mean when she walks in she... well she lights up a room."

"Yeah. Most of your birds walk in and light up a fag." laughed Rodney.

But the laugh soon died, as Del looked offended at first, but smiled and said, "Yeah! Yeah, and she's as straight as a die, you know, straight as a die. She don't mess around with other blokes, you know."

Thinking that it was an obvious reference that his newly-wed wife Cassandra was flrting with her boss Stephen, Rodney then turned on Del venomously, as his Freudian slip showed by saying, "What, you're saying Cassandra does?"

Del, deeply offended at the accusation, answered, "No! No, course not. No, I've got nothing against the girl!"

"That's alright then. 'Cos if I thought you... Sorry." said Rodney, as he trailed off.

Del then went on to say, "You're a touchy little git sometimes, ain't you, eh? All I was just saying was, that since Raquel met me, she hasn't been out with any other blokes."

But Rodney foolishly said, "Well she only met you two hours ago!"

Del corrected his younger brother by saying, "No, I don't mean this time! I mean like the first time!"

Rodney, completely forgetting about when Raquel was at Albert's birthday party last year as a stripper, said, "Oh, right."

"Yeah, she has been true unto me." said Del, as he smiled towards the kitchen in a child-like, almost angelic manner.

Now the door to the first bedroom opened and the Great Raymondo entered the lounge. He was wearing pyjamas, a dressing-gown, and carpet slippers. His hair was in a "just woke up" state and he was yawning. Del and Rodney both reacted in horror, as Raymondo, who didn't spot the Trotters immediately, yet called towards the kitchen, "Raquel, what's all the noise?"

Del asked in total shock and horror, "The Great Raymondo?"

Raymondo suddenly noticed Del and asked him angrily, "What you doing here?"

Del, now snarling like a little Rottweiler who was about to defend his territory, snapped back, "What am I doing here?!"

Rodney, trying to relieve the situation, spoke incredibly quickly, "Um... we was locked out of our digs and Raquel said we could spend the night here but we're gonna go soon!"

"Oh did she? Well, we'll see about that!" said Raymondo, as he exited to the kitchen, closed the kitchen door behind him, and yelled at Raquel, "Raquel. What's the idea of letting strangers into the flat without even asking me?"

Del immediately jumped out of his seat and tried to make a bolt for the kitchen door, just to kick Raymondo's ass, but Rodney quickly restrained him.

"I'm gonna kill him! Gonna kill him!" roared Del in a insanely frightening voice!

Rodney was doing his absolute best to calm Del Boy down by saying, "No, stay calm, Derek!"

Del still kept clawing for Raymondo, as he said, "It's gonna take a bloody good surgeon three or four hours to get his magic wand back!"

Rodney then shouted, "Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! Now come on, calm down!"

Del just shouted back, "I wanna know what the hell is going on here."

Rodney just plain told him, "Look, sit down!"

Del came shouting, "Look, I'm not having any magician..."

Finally having enough, Rodney shouted even louder at his older brother, "Sit down!" Reluctantly, Del forced himself to sit on the settee, but all the time he was straining at the leash.

Rodney calmly said, "Now, look, there's probably a perfectly simple explanation to this."

Del immaturely moaned, "Like what?"

Rodney then asked, "Well, how the hell should I know?"

Del, with frustration building up inside himself, explained, "There is a simple explanation, Rodney. The Great Raymondo's a bleeding bully boy! Raquel told me. He's got her trapped here. If she don't play ball with him not only has she lost her job but she's lost her home as well! That's blackmail and I don't like that sorta thing! I'm gonna sort it out right now."

Rodney snapped back, "Oi, oi! You're not certain of anything! Don't jump to conclusions. Look, for all you know them two might be... well, you know."

Del angrily asked, "What?"

Rodney explained sheepishly, "Well, I don't know... look, just find out what the situation is first, right? Nice 'n' easy, Del? Right? Nice 'n' easy."

Del calmed down as hard as he could by saying, "Alright! Alright, Rodney. I'm just gonna go in there and just gonna ask a few questions and, you know, like... and that's all."

Rodney curiously asked, "And what happens if you don't like the answers?"

Del simply answered, "Well, that's like, innit, eh? Just I'll know where I stand then, won't I, eh?"

Rodney said with a smile, "Alright."

Del opened the kitchen door and said to Raymondo inside, "Alright. Excuse me... I'm terribly sorry to bother you. I just wondered if we could have a little chat? See if we could come to some sort of a... an understanding."

With that, Del entered the kitchen and left the door open behind him. Rodney laid back on the settee and sighed heavily. He was feeling tremendous and desperate sympathy for his big brother. Now a loud punching noise was heard, and the Great Raymondo re-entered the lounge backwards and through the open kitchen door. He finished his journey crumpled up against a wall. Rodney was unmoved by this. He half-expected it and blokes being punched through doors had been part of his life for as long as he can remember. Del now appeared at the open door, as Rodney said, "That's the way, Del, nice 'n' easy."

Del walked across the fallen Raymondo and told him, "Now do you understand what I was trying to say, eh?"

Raquel entered from the kitchen and angrily asked Del, "Why the hell did you do that?"

Del said in a very macho tone, It's alright, it's alright, it's alright Raquel. It's alright. You don't have to be frightened of the Great Raymondo no more - Del Boy's here!"

Rodney whistled the opening bar of the theme from _**The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly**_.

"Rodney? Right, Raymondo - or can I just call you Great, eh? Do you understand what I've been subtly trying to indicate? You are out, pal! Your lease has expired! This is nature's little way of trying to tell you to get your arse down the road apiece!" said Del threateningly, as he moved to the first bedroom door and exited to the first bedroom.

Raymondo pleaded with Raquel, "Why don't you explain to him?"

Raquel told him, "He hasn't given me the chance!"

Raymondo turned to Rodney and said, "You'd better warn him I was in the Territorials!"

Rodney calmly replied, "I don't think that's gonna cut a lot of ice with him, somehow."

Del entered from the first bedroom. He was carrying the jacket of Raymondo's costume and a suitcase.

Raymondo flinched away from Del, who said, "Alright! There's your coat!"

As Del handed Raymondo the jacket, playing cards fell from the sleeves.

Del opened the window and threw the suitcase out, while saying, "There's your case and... and there's the front door! Or would you prefer to take the more direct route?"

Raymondo just asked in a frightened tone, "Can I just say something?"

Del responded, "Yes alright. You can say something. You better make it quick and you better make it polite - there is a lady present!"

Raymondo said clearly, "There is nothing going on between Raquel and me!"

Del didn't believe it, as he said, "Nothing going on between you two? A fella and a bird sharing a flat, there's nothing going on! What d'you take me for?"

Raymondo tried to explain, "Look, I assure you it's the truth! You see... I'm... I'm... Raquel is not my type!"

Raquel closed her eyes. She knew it was tough for Raymondo to make this confession in front of total strangers. Rodney had also caught on.

A confused Del asked, while indicating Raquel, "What d'you mean she's not your type? You could do a lot worse than that."

In order to get the message through to her would-be boyfriend's skull, Raquel said, as she opened the first bedroom door, "This is Ray's room..." Then she opened the second bedroom door while saying, "This is my bedroom... Do you see what Ray's saying? If I was the last woman on God's Earth, I still wouldn't be his type!"

Del was totally bewildered. He turned to Rodney, who just said, "Take your time, Del."

Raymondo continued, "You see, it's purely a financial situation - it's cheaper than us paying for separate flats."

Del finally twigged by asking, "Oh! You mean you're..." Raymondo, not ashamed, answered, "Yes." Del then asked, "Well, why didn't you say?" Raymondo answered, "It's not the sort of thing one drops into an introduction."

Del now felt genuinely wretched and embarrassed about the whole thing, as he tried to apologize by saying, "God - I'm terribly sorry! What must you think of me?"

Raymondo just forgave him by saying, "No need, really. Over and done with."

Del turned to a fuming Raquel and tried to tell her, "Well you see I... I didn't know."

Now angry with him, Raquel snapped, "You didn't ask, did you???"

Del was stumbling over his words, as he said, "No, you see I thought... Well, I thought that... You see I thought... I mean, I... You see.. Is... I... Didn't I, Rodney?"

Rodney agreed solemnly, "Yeah, yeah he did."

Del then remember something and said to Raymondo, "You see... ooh... Oh dear, I do believe I may have dropped your suitcase out of the window."

"I'll fetch it. I could do with the air." said Raymondo, as he exited to the hallway.

Del then told Raquel nervously, "No, you see, I'm... You see I thought..."

Raquel just cut him off by saying sternly, "No, no, no, Del, you didn't think! You never think! You don't look, you don't listen, you don't notice any of the signs! You just go at it like a mad bull!"

Del's reason for what he did was, "I only did it for you!"

Raquel just spat at Del, "Well, if that's supposed to make me feel better, it doesn't!"

With that said, Raquel stormed into the second bedroom and slammed the door behind her.

After a short pause, Rodney told Del, "They might publish your diaries one day, Del. I reckon that could be a winner. I don't believe you sometimes! Why did you do that?"

Del answered glumly, "He who dares wins, I've always been the same!"

Rodney just spat back at Del, "Well, this time I reckon that he who dared cocked it right up!"

After another short pause, Raquel exited from the second bedroom carrying pillows and blankets. She hurled them down on the settee, as Rodney politely said, "Thank you." Del looked at Raquel like a little puppy lost in a storm.

Raquel, still angry with him, said, "I know you did it for me but you were stupid and you were embarrassing!"

Del just nodded sadly, but Raquel, without weakening her hard, kissed Del on the forehead, and told him with a bit of softer tone, "Thank you."

As Raquel exited to the second bedroom, Rodney was left open-mouthed. Del had a big grin that could light up London, as he turned to Rodney, gave a thumbs up, and said happily, "Mag-ic!"

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**November 27, 1990**

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At Nelson Mandela House, Del Boy and Raquel were finishing their dinners. The table was covered in a fine tablecloth, they had a bottle of wine and a candle burned in a silver candlestick. There was subdued lighting just side lightsand it looked romantic - well, as romantic as you can get in Nelson Mandela House.

Del, who was enjoying the meal, said, "Mmmh! What a meal! 'Je suis, je reste' as they say in Montpellier.

Raquel asked, "Does that mean good?"

Del answered, "Superb! Haven't eaten food this good since my old mum was alive. What is it again?"

Raquel replied, "It's chicken!"

Del then said, "I know it's chicken! I mean what's the dish called?"

Raquel explained, "It's called Petti di Pollo Trifolati."

Del then continued, "Say what you like about the French but they're magic with a saucepan and a bit of salt."

Raquel quipped, "It's Italian."

Del felt really stupid, and replied, "Yeah, I know it's Italian, I was just saying the French are good cooks as well."

Del raised his glass, and said, "To... the future." Raquel smiled and they chinked their glasses. Del now changed to a more serious and romantic mood. He took her hand and said, "Raquel."

Raquel asked, "Mmmh?"

Del continued, "You've been here a couple of weeks or so now, and... well... you know how I feel about you."

Raquel responded, "Do I? You've never said."

Del said nervously, "I thought it was obvious... I... I really like you... And... you don't have to answer this right now, but I was wondering whether you would... whether you would..."

Suddenly the main lights were switched on, thus ruining the mood. An agitated Albert had entered from the bedrooms area. He was rubbing his beard.

"I've kept your dinner warm in the oven, Albert. Is everything alright now?" asked Raquel.

Albert moaned, referring to his beard, "I've cut the singed bits off. You should never light a candle when you've got a man with a beard in the house!"

Del groaned back, "You shouldn't have leant across the table to reach the bread! I've a good mind to report your beard to the council! If I hadn't been a bit lively with me Liebfraumilch we could have had a towering inferno on the rates."

Albert said, indicating the candle as he exited to the kitchen to get his dinner, "I'll eat my dinner in the kitchen, away from that fire hazard!"

Del called out, "And be careful when you get the plate out the oven, the gas is still on!"

Raquel then turned back to Del and asked, "You were saying?"

Del replied, "Eh? Oh yeah." Del moved to the light switch by the hall door, switched the main lights off, returned to the table, took Raquel's hand, and then tried to rekindle the original atmosphere by saying, "You see - you're a woman..."

Raquel responded, "Thank you."

Del then explained, "And I'm a man. And - let's be honest - No Man's an Island. D'you see what I'm getting at?"

Raquel answered, "...No."

Del said, "Well, I don't wanna rush things, but would you.. I mean, would you..." Del's words were cut off by Rodney bursting into the flat all of a sudden!

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**September 15, 2004**

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Del said to Raquel, as they made their way through the city streets, "Raquel, when you said you were pregnant, you couldn't believe that I was the happiest man after hearing that news."

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**January 12, 1991**

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In Del Boy's bedroom, Raquel, in her dressing gown, was seated on the edge of the bed staring at the floor.

Del entered in pyjamas and dressing gown, as he asked, "You OK?"

Raquel responded without entheusiasm, "Yeah, fine."

Del picked up the typed letter Raquel had been reading earlier, and asked, "You read yer letter about the play?"

Raquel answered glumly, "Yeah, I've read it."

Del, completely concerned, asked, "Look, sweetheart. If we've had a row, will you at least tell me about it?"

Raquel answered in an irritated voice, "We haven't had a row! Everything's fine."

Del replied with more concern in his voice, "No, it isn't. Ever since you met that Adrian and Jules and all the others at the audition, you've been different towards me. I mean, what is it? Maybe I'm not as good as your actor cronies, eh? Perhaps I embarrass you!"

Raquel just snapped, "Don't be stupid, Del!"

Del then explained, "I saw your face, Raquel. When Adrian asked me about Hamlet and I said I preferred Castellas, I saw your face! So when d'you begin rehearsals?"

Raquel answered, "The tour doesn't start for another three months."

Del chirped, "Oh well, gives you plenty of time to meet more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people, don't it?"

Raquel just said in a no-nonsense tone, "Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you!"

"So what's the problem? Tour? You said it was a tour!" asked a confused Del Boy.

Raquel answered, "That's right. It's a nine-week tour of the country."

"I didn't know you had to go away! I thought it was just a play - you know, local... Oh I see it all now. Your head's filled with big theatres again! Applause, applause, the show must go on!" quipped Del.

"We're not appearing in theatres." replied Raquel.

Del then asked, "Well, if you're not appearing in theatres, what are you appearing in?"

Raquel simply answered, "Schools!"

"Schools?" asked a shocked Del.

Raquel, tears in her eyes forming, explained, "Yes, schools. It's a co-project by the Educationand Arts Council. We're supposed to take Shakespeare to the inner cities. Imagine what it might have done for me."

Del just quipped, "Oh yeah. A few years from now you could have been a dinner lady."

Raquel spat back at Del, "Don't become like the others, Del. Putting down every little dream I have."

Del apologized by saying, "I'm not putting yer dreams down, sweetheart. You know I'd never do that. I don't want you to leave me! I'm frightened you won't come back!"

Raquel then replied emotionally, "I'm not going anywhere, Del. I'm turning the offer down."

Del then tried to apologize by saying, "No, no. You mustn't do that. It's a good opportunity, Raquel, I was just being selfish."

Raquel just plain admitted, "I can't do that tour, Del."

Del asked with concern, "Why not?"

Raquel explained with emotion and frustration in her voice, "Because I've read the play again and again, and at no point does Shakespeare mention that Rosalind - is pregnant."

"Well, that's poetic licence... innit... Did you say you was pregnant?" asked a very curious Del.

Raquel nodded slowly, as she explained, "I've done all the tests and... everything is certain."

Del replied in total shock, "Blimey!"

Raquel asked with a quivering voice, "Are you angry?"

"Angry?" asked Del, who still hadn't smiled, but a few seconds later, he opened the door to the lounge, suddenly smiled, pumped his fists in the air, ran to the lounge, and called out to Albert, "Albert! Get out of bed, you lazy old sod, and open the biggest bottle of champagne you can find! Tonight we celebrate!"

Raquel, now surprised, asked Del, "You're not angry?"

Finally smiling, Del said with pure happiness in his voice, "Angry? I'm gonna to be a daddy! I wanna phone everyone I know: I wanna have a party - I want someone to put on a fireworks display for us!"

Rodney, in pyjamas and dressing gown, arrived at the open bedroom door, as he asked, "What's all the fuss?"

Del just said, "Rodney... Just stay where you are."

Albert arrived at the bedroom door, as he asked, "What's happening?"

Del explained, "Let me ask you two a question." He pointed at Raquel, and asked, "How many people can you see standing there?"

Albert and Rodney look at each other, and Albert answered, "Well... one."

Del replied, "I can see - two."

After that, Del and Raquel smiled lovingly at each other and embraced.

Rodney asked Albert, "You know what this means, Albert?"

Albert answered blankly, "No."

Rodney then explained while watching the hug between his older brother and his girlfriend, "Well, either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed."

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**January 13, 1991**

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At the Nag's Head, as a pregnant Raquel and the Trotters were having lunch, Mike asked Del Boy, but referred to Raquel, "What you hoping for?"

Del answered, "The same again if you're not too busy!"

Mike then said, "I mean the baby."

"Oh. It's a boy." answered Del automatically.

Raquel then asked Del, "How do you know? It might be a girl."

Del answered, "No, no. It's a boy. I know it is!"

Mike also suggested, referring to the hall upstairs, "Don't forget, you can hold a very nice wedding reception up above here."

Del and Raquel shared a look as Mike went for the drinks.

"Let's go and sit down over there." said Del, as he and Raquel moved towards a table, as well as ask Raquel, "Have you told any of your family yet?"

Raquel responded, "I've written to my parents."

Del then quipped, "I was thinking more about your husband."

Raquel explained, "My solicitor's still trying to trace his whereabouts. We've been apart now for eight years so divorce'll be no problem."

Del then said with a smile, "Well, as soon as that comes through we'll get hitched."

Raquel confusedly asked, "Sorry?"

Del answered simply, "We'll tie the knot."

Raquel snapped, "But I might not want to marry you."

Del replied, "What you mean, you might not wanna marry me? Don't be silly."

Raquel answered sternly, "I'm not being silly! You haven't even asked me."

Del, offended by what he just heard, explained, "Haven't ask...! Cor blimey, Raquel! You're... well, you are, ain't yer? Where I come from action speaks louder than words."

Raquel then asked, "Would you keep me in the style that I've become accustomed to?"

Del answered, "Of course I would."

Raquel then replied coldly, "Well, there's no way I'm marrying you then!"

Del did his best to explain, as he said, "Listen to me. We're gonna have a blinding future together."

"Are we?" asked Raquel.

"Yes, we are. Everything's beginning to fall into place. Business is going well and I've got a lot of new projects in the old pipeline. I've got a meeting in half an hour's time with an old mate of mine who owns one of these dinner and dance clubs. I think he's heard about them 300 packets of crisps I've got in the garage." said Del, as he checked his watch.

Albert began playing the piano and sang _Slow Boat to China_, as Del listened and said to Raquel warmly, "Listen, he's playing our song... badly. I've got a really good feeling about the future. I tell you, Raquel, this time next year, I'll be a millionaire."

Raquel gave in and accepted, "Alright then, I accept."

Del said happily, "Good girl! You know it makes sense."

Raquel chirped, "Maybe tomorrow we could go out and get an engagement ring?"

Del grimly answered, "Not tomorrow, sweetheart. I'm in court." Raquel reacted - this was news to her.

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**September 15, 2004**

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The engaged couple then made their way past the hospital, as Raquel said, "I still remember the night that Damien was born, don't you, Del?"

Del replied warmly, "Yep, still remember it, sweetheart. It's sure great stolling down memory lane..."

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**February 2, 1991**

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At the hospital, Del Boy and Raquel were waiting in the delivery room. Raquel was in labour, and Del was bending over her by telling her, "Alright, sweetheart, the nurse has gone to get the delivery team. You've had your enema. Everything's going according to plan."

Raquel asked, "You're gonna stay here, aren't you, Del? Don't go running off and leave me."

Del said in order to comfort his fiancee, "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. I'm staying here with you."

Rodney and Albert were sitting in the corridor outside the delivery room. A group of hospital staff entered the corridor.

Albert asked Rodney, "Are these the specialists?"

Rodney answered, "No, they've just come back from a fancy-dress party. Of course they're the specialists."

Back in the delivery room, Del asked, "Are you alright?"

Raquel answered, "Yes."

Del chirped, "Good."

There was a knock at the door, as Del asked cautiously, "Who is it - friend or enema?" He then tried to make Raquel laugh by repeating what he said jokingly, "Friend or enema?"

Raquel just snapped at her fiancee, "Shut up, Del."

"Yeah, shut up, Del. It's alright, darling. I'll see who it is. You stay there, alright?" replied Del, as he opened the door to reveal Albert, who said, "The specialists are on the way, Del Boy."

Del told his great uncle, "Thanks, Unc. You go and sit down, go on."

As Albert exited, a sister and a nurse entered, followed by a male midwife, as Del blocked his way by saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, John. We're having a baby in here."

The Midwife said, "I know, that's why I'm here."

Del asked abruptly, "What are you, a pervert or something?"

The Sister explained, "That's Mr. McCullum. He's the midwife."

Del just snapped, "He's a bloke."

"I'm a trained midwife. Now, please get out of my way." said the Midwife.

Raquel joined in by saying, "Just let him do his job, Del."

Del still refused by saying, "No, he's a bloke."

Raquel just ordered, "I don't care if he's a trained chimp! Get out of his way."

"Alright, alright, but you just watch it, OK?" said Del to the Midwife, before turning back to Raquel and telling her, "Calm down, calm down. Remember your blood pressure."

The Midwife asked, "How are you feeling, Raquel?"

Raquel answered painfully, "Not too bad at the moment."

The Midwife asked the Sister, "Have you timed the contractions?"

The Sister answered, "Three minutes."

Del asked, "Is that good?"

"Yes, that's good." answered the Midwife.

Del felt more comfy and said, "Cushty."

The Midwife then asked his staff, "Would you set the monitor up?"

The Sister turned to the Nurse and said, "Nurse, the gas and air."

Del asked about the foetal heart monitor, "What's that thing for?"

The Sister explained, "It monitors the baby's heartbeat."

"Oh, Lovely Jubbly." said Del Boy.

Outside in the corridor, Rodney said, "It's going to be a boy. I know it is."

"Can't be sure of anything, son." responded Albert.

Rodney kept saying, "No, it's a boy. Mars and something else have come into conjunction and decided he would be born in Peckham."

Del entered the corridor from the delivery room, and said, "They've got the baby's heartbeat. Half an hour's time we'll have the bestest knees up our family's ever known."

Albert asked, "Is everything alright, Del?"

Del keenly answered, "Everything's absolutely fine. The baby's fine. Raquel's fine. In 48 hours' time we'll be going back to the flat with another addition to the Trotter family."

Rodney, being such a smartass, foolishly asked, "Oi, Del. Have they said anything about the sex?"

Del responded sternly, "Oh give her time, Rodney."

Rodney tried to explain, "No, I mean..." But Del just went back into the delivery room, not having any time for any monkey business from his younger brother.

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**February 3, 1991**

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Back in the delivery room, it was very early Monday morning, and Raquel was now in advanced labour and in considerable pain, as she asked in a strained tone, "How much longer is he going to take?"

Del Boy explained, "It's alright, sweetheart, alright. He'll take as long as he needs to take. He wants to make sure he gets everything just right, 'cos he's a perfectionist, like his dad."

Raquel just sternly said, "I'm talking about the midwife."

"Oh I see. Oi, you, pal, how much longer is this gonna take?" Del asked the Midwife, who responded, "Nature will run its course, Mr. Trotter. When the baby's ready to put in an appearance, he'll let us know."

Raquel screamed very loudly in pain, as Del courageously said to her, "Go on, give it everything you got, girl."

For no reason at all, Raquel snarled, "Don't you ever come near me again, Trotter."

Feeling a bit offended by that last statement, Del replied, "There's no need to be like that, sweetheart." He then asked the Sister, "I suppose they're all like this, are they?"

"No." answered the Sister.

Del then said while picking up an oxygen cylinder, "I'll get the gas and air."

The midwife bent down over Raquel and lost his wig. Del also looked down and saw the wig. He thought it was the baby coming, as Del told Raquel joyfully, "Raquel, Raquel, I can see his head. He's got a full head of hair."

The Midwife reacted and grabbed his wig. He attempted to replace it, while saying, "Some bloody spiv." The Midwife was embarrassed, so he removed the wig, while saying, "I'll scrub up." The clock was now showing 3:40am.

Albert sat in the corridor while Rodney was pacing up and down. They reacted as they heard Raquel scream.

Raquel was in the late stages of labour. Del was holding her leg, while saying courageously, "Come on, girl, give it some welly."

The Sister said, "Shouldn't be too long, Raquel. The contractions are becoming more frequent."

"I know... I'm the one having the contractions. Would you let go of my leg, Del?!" shouted Raquel.

Del got the message by letting go of Raquel's leg, while saying, "Alright, sweetheart. Would you like some gas and air?"

"No thank you." said Raquel.

"OK." replied Del, as he took a breathe of the gas and air, and said while licking his lips, "It's good stuff, this. Better not tell Rodney about it."

Raquel felt another twinge and said, "Oh no, here's another one."

The Midwife encouraged her by saying, "Push hard, there's a good girl."

Raquel asked Del Boy, "Del, can I hold your hand?"

"Yes, yes, of course you can, sweetheart, go on." answered Del, as Raquel took his hand.

The Sister then said, "Push."

Del also added, "OK, Raquel, steady on."

Back in the corridor, Albert and Rodney listened worriedly to Raquel's screams and reacted surprised as they heard Del cry out.

As Raquel continued to scream, she violently squeezed Del's hand, making him scream, "Aaaaaargh!"

The pain subsided and Raquel releases his hand, while saying, "Oh, did that hurt, Del?"

Del nursed his sore hand, as he said, "Yes, it did a bit, sweetheart."

Raquel then snarled in pain, "Now you know what it's bloody well like!"

"This giving birth ain't all it's cracked up to be, is it?" replied Del, as he took more gas and air.

The Midwife calmly ordered, "Breathe easily, Raquel."

Del peeked down, then looked up and said, "Oh, it's a head, Raquel. I can see its head."

The Midwife was glad, as he said, "That's very good. The head's in position. It shouldn't be long."

"I can see its head, Raquel, I can see..." said Del, who exited to the corridor.

Del Boy peeked his head out into the corridor and told Rodney and Albert, "Rodney, I can see its head!"

"Is it... you know, normal?" asked Rodney.

Del felt insulted, and responded, "Normal? What do you mean, normal? Of course it's normal. I mean it's just a head."

Rodney continued to talk out his ass by asking, "There aren't any sort of numbers on it?"

Del plain answered, "Numbers? What are you talking about, Rodney? What do you think this is, a bloody raffle?"

Raquel screamed, and Del Boy exited to the delivery room.

"That's it, Raquel." said Del, as Raquel was almost there giving birth to her and Del's child.

The Midwife said, "There we are. The head's out. Relax now. Just relax for a minute."

"Raquel, it's his face. He's got a little nose. He's got little ears." replied Del, as he bent down to look.

"One more push." said the Sister.

Outside the delivery room, Albert and Rodney listened to Raquel's screams. They then reacted to a baby's cry.

Albert smiled and said, "Well, that's it then. It's all over."

Rodney, fearing for his safety, prepared to run, as he said, "Well, that's me off then."

Albert quickly stopped him and asked, "Don't you want to see the baby?"

"No, I'm not fussed. I can see it tomorrow, can't I?" said a secretly frightened Rodney.

Albert frowned and said, "Del won't like it if you go. It's important to him that you stay here, Rodney."

Rodney reluctantly agreed, "Yeah."

Back inside the delivery room, Raquel was holding the baby in her arms, as Del told her, "It's a baby, Raquel."

Raquel said both happily and sarcastically, "I've been wondering what that swelling was."

"We've got ourselves a lovely little baby." said a joyful Del Boy.

Raquel replied joyfully, "I know. I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart." said Del, as he exited to the corridor.

Back in the corridor, Del came out and said, "We've done it! We've only bloody done it!"

"Congratulations, sir." chirped Albert.

Del then told Rodney, "It's a little baby, Rodney."

Rodney asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

Del then said, since he wasn't sure, "Eh? Oh, hang on."

With that, he exited to the delivery room.

Del peeked back in and asked Raquel about the baby, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

Raquel lowered the baby's blanket and showed Del, who responded, "It's a boy. I'll tell you what, he won't be frightened to get changed in the showers."

Del exited to the corridor to tell Rodney, "It's a boy." Rodney reacted with a look of horror.

The Sister said to Del about the baby, "Well, Mr. Trotter, if he keeps you awake at night, don't bring him back to us."

"No thanks, sister. He can keep me awake as long as he likes. Thanks, doc." Del thanked the Midwife, who said while indicating the wig, "My pleasure, and sorry about this."

Del suggested, "That's alright. Here, listen. If you like I can get you a real good 'un. They normally retail at a hundred quid up West - to you, nothing."

"No, really. I don't think I'll bother any more. Congratulations." responded the Midwife, as he exited.

Del said gratefully, "Thanks very much."

Raquel looked at her newborn son and told Del about him, "He's gorgeous. Look at that little face."

Del said with a smile, "You want to look down there. He's got no worries."

Raquel chirped, "If you say so, Del."

The Sister entered from the corridor and asked, "I'll bet you wouldn't say no to a cup of tea?"

Del answered before turning to Raquel, "Yeah, not half. Would you like one love?"

Raquel answered, "Yes please."

Del requested to the Sister, "Would you get Raquel one an' all? Alright sweetheart?"

The Sister exited, as Del said, "I'll get Rodney and Albert."

He went to the door and called out, "Rodney, Albert, come on, come on."

Del then looked to Raquel, and told her, "Here, cover yourself up, sweetheart. You might catch cold."

Rodney and Albert entered from the corridor. Del held the baby in his arms, while saying, "Here, give him to me, sweetheart. Come on, then. Rodney, Albert, let me introduce you to Damien."

Rodney was horrified the moment he heard the name.

"He's a little cracker, ain't he?" chirped Albert.

Del added, "Yeah."

Rodney nerously said with an uneasy smile, "He's got your eyes, Del."

"Yeah. You ought to see him down there. Come on, you, come with me a minute."

Del took little baby Damien to the window, opened the blind, looked outside into the night sky, and said, "There you are, Mum. I know you can see us. There he is, look, your first grandchild."

Raquel added, "And last."

Del then continued to tell his newborn son, "And last. Oh, you are such a lovely little boy, you really are. You've got a mummy and daddy who think you're the most precious thing in the whole wide world. You've got a lovely family around you. Yes, you have, look. You've got your uncle Rodney to play with, and great uncle Albert. He'll tell you about all the places in the world he's been to - and sunk. And there's me. And you're gonna have all the things your daddy couldn't afford. 'Cos I've been a bit of a dreamer, you know. Yeah, I have. You know I wanted to do things, be someone, but I never had what it took. But you're different, you're gonna do all the things I always wanted to do and you're gonna come back and tell me about them. Tell me if they're as good as I thought they would be. You're gonna have such fun. You are, and when you get the hump, 'cos you're bound to get the hump sometimes, I'll muck about and make you laugh. 'Cos I've mucked about all my life, and I never knew the reason why until now. This is what it's all about. I was born for this moment. Yes. Oh we're gonna have such fun, we are, you mark my words. This time next year, we'll be millionaires."

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**December 20, 1993**

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Del Boy managed to call Raquel at Rodney and Cassandra's place using one of the Nag's Head's telephones.

As Cassandra handed her the phone, Raquel said, "Thanks. Hello? Hello? Hello?"

Del responded while sitting down, "Hello? Hello, Raquel. How are you?"

"Fine. You?" asked Raquel sarcastically.

"Yeah, lovely... I'm missing you, darling." said Del.

Raquel quipped coldly, "I'm missing you as well, you rotten sod!"

Del asked, "Come on then, why don't you come home, eh?"

"It's not as simple as that!" said Raquel with a sneer.

"Sweetheart. Don't take too much notice of me in the last month. It's just been a one-off, that's all." groaned Del.

"What about the month before that?" asked Raquel sternly.

Del then admitted, "Yeah, well that was a one-off an' all."

Raquel then went on the warpath, as she said in a no-nonsense tone, "Well, I didn't like your attitude. You were willing to gamble with our housekeeping money, with our future in some grotty little South London casino."

Del, now feeling really guilty and vowing to make amends for his future wife, said, "Look sweetheart, that's all in the past, I tell you. No more casinos, no more pub."

Trigger called out, "Same again, Del?"

"Yeah, alright Trig, thanks. Yeah..." answered Del, as he quickly changed gears for Raquel's sake by saying, "Just a, you know, a lemonade and a lime."

Raquel then cracked a smile, as she said with a chuckle, "Listen to me, stupid. I don't mind you going down the Nag's Head so long as it's not every night! And when you do go down there, I wouldn't mind going as well!"

Del, now really determined to make amends, agreed and said, "Yeah, well, that's my thoughts entirely, sweetheart! Exactly. We'll just go down, go down at weekends, you know, just to be sociable. Listen, I tell you what sweetheart, if you're gonna go out shopping, you get me a pair of those chequered slippers and a hundred weight of 'obnobs. I'm a changed man. I am, I'll even take little Damien out, you know, no excuses! So what do you reckon, sweetheart, can I come and pick you up?"

"Not right now. Damien's fast asleep." said Raquel, as she looked at Damien, who was fast asleep.

Del asked, "Alright, what about first thing in the morning?"

Raquel answered, "I promised to take him up London - Madame Tussaud's. Unless you'd like to come with us?"

Del replied, "Oh no, no I can't tomorrow, darling, I'm going to pick up all them Russian VCR's. Erm, look. I'll pick you up tomorrow night, yeah?"

"Alright then." answered Raquel.

Del then said playfully, "Alright. Raquel say the magic words."

Raquel just whined, "Don't be silly!"

"Go on, go on Raquel, say the magic words." begged Del.

Raquel just gave in and said lovingly, "Tch! I love you, Trotter."

Del raised his fist in victory as if it were the winning goal and said, "Yes! Alright, darling, I'll pick you up tomorrow, alright? Ta ta."

"That is it, Del Boy, you're a changed man - this is the first day of the rest of your life." said Del to himself, as he hung up, replaced the receiver, smiled proudly, and called over to Mike, "Michael! A bottle of your finest champagne, please. Thank you."

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**November 2, 1996**

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It was early evening at Nelson Mandela House. On the table layed a letter which has been opened and read. Raquel, now dressed, was talking on the phone. This was obviously quite an emotional conversation for Raquel, as she said to whoever she was talking to, "Yeah... I know... This has come as a bit of a shock to me."

In the hall, Del Boy entered from the front door. He began unbuttoning his coat when he became aware of Raquel's voice. Del listened to the conversation.

"I haven't heard from you for years. Last time we met I got the impression that I wasn't important in your life any more." continued Raquel, as Del's reacted to this. He was angry, hurt and afraid.

Raquel said both emphatically and tearfully, "Yeah, I understand OK, let's meet... No! I'll come to you... This weekend? I'm not sure... Del? I don't know really. I suppose I'll have to tell him the truth. I'll give you a call... OK... I know you do... Of course I still love you. Bye."

With that said, she replaced the receiver.

Back in the hall, Del was worried. This was his nightmare coming true, as he thought to himself, _"She must be talking to that bastard Slater!"_

Back in the lounge, Raquel was wiping her eyes. She looked vengefully at the ansaphone and switched a button on it, and a recording of Del's' voice was coming from the machine. He spoke in a false, posh, and slightly nervous tone that so many people do when confronted with recording the outgoing message.

Del entered from the hall, and asked with false happiness, "Alright, sweetheart?"

Raquel asked, "Yeah. What you been up to?"

Del's nerves were beginning to show, as he said, "Oh, I met a bloke down the market. I've ordered a consignment of electric doughnut makers... I bumped into Boycie. He said that Mike at the Nag's Head is selling tickets for some party this weekend. Fancy going?"

"This weekend? No, not really." answered a worried Raquel.

"OK... Any phone calls?" asked Del.

Raquel then replied, "Erm, no... Del, can we talk?"

"Yeah, course we can." answered Del.

"There's something I've gotta tell you. I'd like to sit down." admitted Raquel.

Del indicated the sofa, as he told his future wife, "Go on then."

Raquel then said seriously, "I mean both of us."

They sat down on the sofa, as Raquel said, "That letter I got this morning."

Del quipped, "Yeah."

Raquel explained, "It was from my Mum and Dad. I've just got off the phone to them."

Upon hearing that news, Del gave an audible sigh of incredible relief, as Raquel asked her future husband, "You OK?"

Del answered, "T'riffic. Your Mum and Dad? I didn't know you had a Mum and Dad. No, what I meant was you never mentioned them. Every time I've brought the subject up you said you stopped talking to 'em and you don't know where they are."

Raquel then continued to explain, "Years ago we had a big bust up when I told them I wanted to go into show business. My Dad - he's a bit old fashioned - he said some nasty things - you can imagine. So I stormed out, went into digs and that was the last contact I had with them - until now. They got my address from the landlord at my old flat. They've been phoning for the last couple of weeks but just kept getting the answermachine."

Del couldn't imagine it, as he said, "Yeah, a lot of people get nervous about leaving messages on them machines."

Raquel said, "No, they left lots of messages but the rotten machine didn't record them."

"I wonder what the bloody hell's wrong with this thing. I'll have a butcher's at it - bound to be a button or something on it." said Del, as he moved off to the ansaphone and give it a whack.

"So I phoned 'em... We had a nice chat... They seemed different - sort of, understanding. I cried." said a slightly weepy Raquel, as Del hugged her and said, "You silly old thing."

Raquel now broke down completely and said, "My Mum said they'd missed me. I told them about Damien."

"And?" asked Del.

Raquel continued, "They were pleased. They seemed really excited they had a grandson. I told them all about him. All the little things he does. They even wanted to know what he liked to eat."

Del then asked curiously, "D'you tell 'em about me?"

Raquel responded, "I mentioned you."

"D'you tell 'em what I did?" asked Del.

Raquel answered, "No. There wasn't time. They just wanted to know about Damien... They mentioned going up there at the weekend - they want to meet him."

"Well, that'll be nice for Damien as well." said Del, as he now busied himself trying to repair the ansaphone.

Raquel broached a difficult subject by saying, "Yeah... The thing is. Well, see, my Dad's a bit of an old fuddy-duddy and he hasn't been well recently..."

Del snorted, referring to the machine, "Bloody thing!"

"And I think meeting you might be a bit too much for him. So, I don't want to offend you, but d'you mind if just me and Damien went?" asked Raquel.

"That's the last time I buy anything off Ronnie Nelson!" said Del with a sneer, as he now had a terrible thought and told Raquel, "Oh, Mon Dieu! I've just remembered, darling. I won't be able to come with you.I've gotta go to Covent Garden and pick up a van load of vegetables Saturday morning."

Raquel sighed and said, "Ah, they were really looking forward to meeting you as well, never mind."

Del proved that he can be a good husband and father by telling his girlfriend, "Alright sweetheart, you take Damien and have a nice time. I tell you what, take the Capri Ghia, let 'em see their little girl's done alright for herself."

"OK. Thanks, Del. I do love you." said Raquel, as she kissed Del.

Del responded, "Well of course you do, I'm that sort of bloke. What's your dad do?"

Raquel answered about her father, "He's an antique dealer."

Hearing the words _"antique dealer"_, Del curiously asked, "Is he? I tell you what, down in the garage I've got a lovely..."

Raquel quickly cutted in and said, "I'm not taking anything with me!"

Del said with a sigh, "Alright then, fair enough, just a thought. You go on - build a few bridges."

"I'll try. I'll make you a coffee." said Raquel, as she exited to the kitchen.

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**December 2, 1996**

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At Trotter Towers, as Del Boy, Raquel, Albert, Damien, Rodney, and Cassandra were getting everything set for the big dinner with Raquel's parents, the front door bell rings. Everyone now froze and looks towards the hall.

Raquel knew it was her parents, as she said in total fear, "Oh God!"

Albert went to the hall, as he told everyone else calmly, "Calm down the lot of you. I'll answer the door. Lot of good you'd have been on the Russian convoys."

Albert entered from the lounge into the hall and opens the front door to meet James and Audrey Turner, Raquel's parents. James was in his late 60's, well-spoken and smartly dressed. He was an ex-navy man who enjoys a laugh and a drink, and was carrying a bottle wrapped in paper. Audrey was in her mid 60's, middle class, well meaning but lacking in sense of humour - not a fierce person - just doesn't get jokes.

Albert greeted the Turners, "Good evening. You must be Raquel's parents."

James said, as he introduced himself and his wife, "Yes. My wife Audrey, and I'm James."

"Lovely to meet you. Please follow me." said Albert, all cool and calm, as he exited to the lounge.

James was looking at Audrey questionably. Audrey whispered to her husband, "She did say he was older than her."

James whispered back to his wife, "I now, but..."

Back in the lounge, James and Audrey entered. Raquel, because it was a month ago during Rodney's 34th birthday when Raquel's parents phoned her, nervously thought to herself, _"This is it, Raquel, don't screw this up, girl! They're going to meet your future loving husband."_

Then she said, "Hi Mum, Dad."

James said happily, "Hello, darling."

"Darling." chirped Audrey.

Damien rushed at them, happy to see them, as he said playfully, "Nanny, Grandad!"

James picked Damien up, while saying to him, "Hello champ, how are you?"

Raquel started to introduce her parents to everyone in the room. "Mum, Dad, this is Derek's brother. Rodney, and his wife Cassandra. James and Audrey." said Raquel.

Rodney and Cassandra both said, "Pleased to meet you."

"Pleasure." said James.

Audrey quipped, "Lovely to meet you."

"And this is my... This is Derek." said Raquel, as she introduced Del, yet didn't want to use the word _"boyfriend"_ to describe him.

Del shook both James and Audrey's hands, while saying, "Au Revoir."

"Oh you're Derek. We thought..." said Audrey, about to indicate Albert. James then said with a false cough, "We thought... we thought you were busy working this evening."

Del answered to his future father-in-law, "Oh no, not on a special occasion like this."

James showed everyone the bottle of port he brought with him, while saying, "As it is a special occasion I've bought this rather nice bottle of port. It's 15 years old."

Del laughed, "15. We'll have to be careful with that, it might have acne! Please, Jim, Audrey take a seat and I will fetch us an aperitif."

As Del passed Rodney and Cassandra, he winked at both of them and said, "I'm knocking 'em bandy!"

Rodney and Cassandra look at each other - Del's going OTT (Over The Top) already. And the dinner was going so well... until Albert ruined it all by getting the coffee and the gravy mixed up.

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**September 15, 2004**

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As Del Boy and Raquel returned home, Tina was helping Michelle out with a science project, which involved chemistry blowing up in their faces, causing them to laugh out loud. Damien and Ash were playing _Wipeout_ on the Playstation 2, with Damien winning.

"Where's Rodney?" asked Del.

Tina responded, "He's helping Hector get everything set for yours and Raquel's wedding."

Just then, Rodney and Hector came in. Hector said cheerfully, "Ah Del, glad you're here. I wanted to tell you that me and Rodney pulled out all the stops to make this the perfect wedding for you and Raquel."

"It wasn't easy, Del." moaned Rodney, as he went off to his bedroom to change a crying Joan's nappy.

"Good for you Hector. Me and Raquel have decided to set the wedding for three months time." said a happy Del with his arm around Raquel.

"Just tell me when you want your stag party set." said Hector, as he went into the kitchen to help Michelle prepare some tea.

Raquel looked at Del nervously and said, "I'm worried, Del. I just hope this doesn't mess up!"

Del calmed her down by saying, "Listen Raquel, it's been 16 years in the making for us, nothing can go wrong."

"OK, if you say so, Derek..." said Raquel, who calmed down. "Good girl, you know it makes sense!" said Del joyfully, as he and Raquel embraced in a long kiss.

"Yuck! Get a room!" said Tina.

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**September 19, 2004**

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Four days later, with five days before the wedding of the Millenium, it was Del Boy's stag night at the Nag's Head. All the gang were there, Rodney, Denzil, Sid, Boycie, Trigger, Mickey Pearce, Jevon, and Hector, now aged 50. The same comic from Rodney's stag night nearly 16 years ago was on stage doing a stag night routine - or at least most of his gags are about marriage and hooky trading and are aimed at Del. As the comic told his usual array of jokes, Hector told Rodney and Del, while they were seated at one of the tables, "I still remember my stag night, fellas. I had to wrestled a huge shark into submission!"

Del and Rodney both laughed due to them both having too much to drink!

Hector then said a bit sternly at them, "Oh, if you had faced the shark, you wouldn't have been laughing. He put up quite a fight, but I won out in the end!"

Sid came over with the drinks and told the three Trotters, "You had to wrestle a shark? You're lucky! I only got to wrestle three Rottweilers to protect the food."

Del, Rodney, and Hector all laughed at this, and were joined by Sid and the others. Yes, in five days, another one of Del's dreams was about to come true.

To be continued...

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	4. The Big Special Day

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**Chapter 4: The Big Special Day**

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**September 24, 2004**

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It was a big sunny day at Our Lady of the Divine Rosemary church, which was the setting for the wedding of Joan Mavis and Reg Trotter in 1951, and the christening of Damien Trotter in 1991. But today, it will be remembered for the wedding of Del Boy Trotter and Raquel Turner.

As the guests were pouring in, as Rodney and Hector, both dressed to kill in their black tuxedos (Hector still wore his Navy SEAL beret), entered Del's dressing room after knocking, they could not believe their eyes: Del Boy was wearing a glitzy varation of his old Gordon Gekko three-piece yuppy suit from 1989-1994, along with the red braces!

"Alright, fellas?" asked Del, as he was adjusting his bowtie.

"Now I understand what they said about you being a yuppy!" replied Hector in total surprise!

Rodney said, admiring Del's suit, "Oi Del, I thought you was gonna wear a tuxedo?"

"No no no, Rodders. Tuxedos are for wimps!" answered Del, as he finished adjusting his braces and flower.

Boycie, Denzil, Sid, Mickey Pearce, and Trigger, all in tuxedos, also entered the room. "The big day at last, Del..." said Trigger with a smile, putting his arm around his buddy.

"It only took about fourteen years longer than it should've..." agreed Boycie, as he laughed his laugh.

Denzil quipped, "At least your wedding won't be ruined, unlike what you did with my wedding with Corrine!"

"Oh, you still won't let me forget about it, will you?" groaned Del. The eight fellow Jolly Boys (or in Hector's case, newest Jolly Boy) got a big laugh out of it.

Hector told his cousin, "Oh Del, I also invited a lorryload of people that you've known over the years. When you're done, you can go greet them."

"Ah Lovely Jubbly, right I'll be there ASAP!" said Del joyfully, as he was putting on aftershave, while the other Jolly Boys exited the room.

Meanwhile in another dressing room, Raquel was wearing an angelic white wedding dress with plenty of sparkling diamonds. Cassandra, dressed well for the ceremony, was helping Raquel out with her dress, when Raquel's parents James and Audrey, both in their mid to late 70's and dressed well, entered the room to greet their daughter.

"Hi Mum! Hi Dad!" said Raquel joyfully, as she embraced her mother and father.

Audrey said to her daughter, "Hi Raquel, it's a big day for you!"

Raquel replied, "Well, it's been 15 and a half years in the making for me and Derek."

"Raquel, you should've seen my wedding with Rodney nearly 16 years ago: even though it was in a low-budget place, it was a great wedding, but yours will be a lot better!" chirped Cassandra, as she finished adjusting Raquel's wedding dress.

Raquel asked her parents, "How were you able to show up invited anyway?"

"Your fiancee's cousin, Herman or Hector, something like that, sent us the invitations, honey." responded James, as he showed his daughter two of the invitations. He also said, "I can't wait to meet that man. And speaking of whom, there's someone else here to see you, darling..."

Entering the room was a middle-aged white man, aged 52, who had short black hair, a good muscular body, and wore also wore a tuxedo. Raquel recognized the man, as she said to him, "Barry! I haven't seen you for years! How are you?"

Barry, as he embraced his younger sister, replied in a straight up Cockney accent, "I'm doing fine, Raquel, just like you are! And you didn't think I would miss my own little sister's wedding, did ya?"

The four members of the Turner family shared a group hug. "Aw, crap in a hat, the air in hear is makin' my eyes water... Must be too much hair spray..." said Cassandra, starting to dab her eyes.

"Tell you what, Mum, let's go on ahead. It's almost time to start anyway..." said Barry, as he gave her sister a thumbs up and led their mother from the room.

Father and daughter hugged each other again. "You look beautiful, Raquel." said James, as well as, "I'm glad that guy Del finally woke up... I was beginnin' to wonder..."

Raquel said emotionally, "I know, Dad... I had my moments of doubt too. A lot of them. But when it came right down to it... I just knew it didn't belong any other way. I tried it different. Tried to move away from Del because of him drinking and gambling in that grotty South London casino!" She closed her eyes and said, "And I hated it more than I ever thought it possible to, but we did get back together!"

"I know exactly what you mean, honey. He's the right one, and you'd rather live with him than alone or with that bastard Slater. That's just the way you're put together. You must get that from me..." said James, who dabbed his eyes with a hankerchief, as well say say, "And thankfully, it works out for you too... you get your happily ever after... but I promise you one thing..."

"What's that, Dad?" asked Raquel.

"If this wally breaks your heart again, I'm gonna break both his legs off and stuff 'em down his throat." answered James.

They both laughed, and hugged again.

Outside the dressing rooms, Damien asked his grandparents, as they and Cassandra appeared, "Mom about ready?"

"Yep." answered James.

"We probably better get to our seats soon..." said Audrey, as she, her husband, their grandson, and their daughter's friend went off to their seats.

In the main chapel of the church, the seats were completely filled up with Cassandra (holding little baby Joan in her arms), Tina, Boycie, Marlene, Tyler, Audrey, Trigger, Sid, Denzil, Mickey Pearce, Jevon, and Cassandra's parents Alan and Pam, both in their late 60's, as well as the following people that Hector invited:

Jumbo Mills (Del's old business partner from "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"),

Earl (one of Del's friends from "Christmas Crackers"),

Janice (ex-Rodney girlfriend #1 from _"_A Slow Bus To Chingford"),

Sandra (ex-Rodney girlfriend #2 and policewoman from "The Long Legs of the Law"),

Irene Mackay, now aged 62 (ex-Rodney girlfriend #3 from "No Greater Love"), and her son Marcus, now aged 38 (Irene's son, also from "No Greater Love"),

Mr. Chin (owner of the _Golden Lotus_ Chinese restaurant from "The Yellow Peril"),

Alex (low-budget down-on-his-luck travel agent from "It Never Rains..."),

Lord & Lady Ridgemere (very posh couple (who owned expensive chandeliers unitl Grandad broke one of them) from "A Touch of Glass"),

Heather (ex-Del Boy girlfriend #1 from "Diamonds Are for Heather"), and her son Darren, now aged 25 (also from "Diamonds Are for Heather"),

Basil (ex-chairman of the Tenants Association from "Homesick"),

Margaret Mackenzie (member of the Tenants Association, also from "Homesick"),

Towser (Del Boy stooge from "Healthy Competition"),

Blossom (nutty woman from "Wanted"),

Brendan O' Shaughnessy (painter and decorator from "Who's a Pretty Boy?"),

June Snell (ex-Del Boy girlfriend #2 from "Happy Returns" and "A Royal Flush"), and her children Debbie, now aged 39 (ex-Rodney girlfriend #4, also from "Happy Returns"), and Jason, now aged 29 (also from "Happy Returns"),

Jean and Stan Trotter (Del and Rodney's cousins from "Strained Relations"), Solly Attwell (sleazy solicitor from "Hole in One"), Mental Mickey Maguire (wildman lead singer of A Bunch Of Wallies from "It's Only Rock and Roll"), Stew, Charlie, and their unnamed drummer (also from "It's Only Rock and Roll"),

Yvonne (ex-Del Boy girlfriend #3, stripper, and exotic dancer from "Watching the Girls Go By"),

Abdul (Del and Boycie's business associate from "To Hull and Back"),

Anna, now aged 37 (German girl from "From Prussia With Love"), and her now 18-year old West Indian daughter (also from "From Prussia With Love"),

Biffo (very tough looking trumpet player from "The Miracle of Peckham"),

Lennox Gilbey, now aged 38 (wannabe thief and security guard of the _Top Buys_ supermarket from "The Longest Night"),

Tom Clark (retired head security guard of the _Top Buys_ supermarket, also from "The Longest Night"),

Mr. Peterson (head manager of the _Top Buys_ supermarket, also from "The Longest Night"),

Lisa, now aged 43 (Trigger's niece from "Tea for Three" and "The Frog's Legacy"),

Andy (hang glider club owner and Lisa's husband, also from "Tea for Three" and "The Frog's Legacy"),

Amanda (ex-Mickey Pearce girlfriend from "Video Nasty"),

Lady Victoria Marsh Hales, now aged 39 (ex-Rodney girlfriend #5 from "A Royal Flush"), and her father Sir Lord Henry Marsham, now aged 74 (14th Duke of Maylebury, also from "A Royal Flush"),

Reen Turpin, now aged 77 (Trigger's aunt from "The Frog's Legacy"),

Mr. Jahan (funeral service director, also from _"The Frog's Legacy"_),

Nervous Nerys Sansom, now aged 35 (nervous ex-Nag's Head barmaid from "Dates" and "Sickness and Wealth"),

Emma (Cassandra's friend from "Yuppy Love"),

Dirty Barry (owner of a porn shop from "Danger UXD"),

Cassandra's boss Stephen, now aged 45 (from "The Jolly Boys' Outing"), and his wife Joanne, now aged 42 (also from "The Jolly Boys' Outing"),

Bronco Lane (painter, decorator, and Marlene's brother from "The Sky's the Limit"), along with his wife Sandra and daughter Kylie,

Trudy, now aged 51 (ex-Del Boy girlfriend #4 from "The Chance of a Lunchtime"),

Adrian (manager of Shakespeare tour, also from "The Chance of a Lunchtime"),

Jules (gay man, also from "The Chance of a Lunchtime"),

Tony Angelino (singing dustman with a lisp from "Stage Fright"),

Eric (Vice-President of the _Starlite Rooms_ nightclub, also from "Stage Fright"),

Eugene Macarthy, now aged 58 (President of the Starlite Rooms, also from "Stage Fright"), along with his 95-year old mother (also from "Stage Fright"),

Myles, now aged 43 (vegetarian and owner of the _Nature's Way_ garden and organic food shop from "Mother Nature's Son"),

Beverly (ex-Del Boy girlfriend #5 and dental receptionist from "Fatal Extraction"),

and Councillor Murray (from "Heroes and Villians"), plus there were four more gentlemen: the first one was a 58-year old man, who had greyish brown hair, and wore black sunglasses in his breast pocket; the second one was a fat 60-year old bearded man with greyish blonde hair; the third one was a 56-year old muscular man, who had a black mullet; and the fourth man one was a fat 59-year old man, who had balding red hair. All four were wearing tuxedos. The fat bearded man was Paddy the Greek, the man with the sunglasses was Ronnie Nelson, owner of the One-Eleven Club, the muscular man was Monkey Harris, and the other fat man was Fatty Walker. These four gentlemen were Del's business associates and friends, and were more than happy to show up at his wedding.

The only ones that weren't in the room at the moment were Damien, Michelle, and James.

The minister for this wedding was Father O'Keith (also from "The Miracle of Peckham").

Del, Hector, and Rodney entered the room from the aisle. Del's jaw completely dropped, as he witnessed the amount of familiar faces from over the years!

"Cor Blimey! You invited all these people?!" asked Del to Hector.

"Yep. Wasn't easy, but they're all glad to see you!" answered Hector proudly.

As Del walked up the aisle, most of the people greeted and cheered him on, such as Trudy getting out of her seat, and hugging Del, as she said in a very dippy way, "Oooh Del, I missed you baby!"

She wouldn't let go of him, so Hector pulled Trudy off Del, and forced her back into her seat!

"This is it, Del.." said June happily, as she kissed Del on the lips.

Rodney, who was the Best Man, passed by a snarling Biffo, and said to him, nervously, "Umm, hi Biffo. Lovely day for a wedding, isn't it?"

Biffo just snarled back, "You still haven't returned my trumpet, you little prick!"

With that in mind, Biffo jumped up from his seat and started to hit Rodney repeatedly. But Hector came racing to his cousin's help by grabbing Biffo, and brutally hurting him with several left & right-armed clotheslines, five body slams, twenty-five spinebusters, ten Siberian Suplexes, fifteen Spinning Lariats, twenty Screw Piledrivers, and the Final Atomic Buster to end it all! And once the dust cleared and everything was settled, Biffo was a crippled mess. Hector tossed Biffo out of the church, straight into an ambulance.

Then, Hector went back into the chapel, straightened his bowtie, and said to everyone, "Sorry about that. Let's continue."

And so, Hector went up to the organ and started playing a small number to warm himself up. Rodney, who just sneered at Cassandra's boss, and Father O'Keith both stood by Del, who was a wee bit nervous.

"It's been 18 years since you've been in this church, Derek. I'm happy for you and Raquel." whispered Father O'Keith to Del in his left ear.

"Thanks for the compliment, father." replied Del.

"I think it's time, Derek..." whispered Rodney to Del in his right ear, as the music began to start when Hector was really getting into it...

Tyler, now aged 15, about swallowed his tongue as the bridesmaids filed in... one of them was Michelle, looking perhaps the most gorgeous he'd ever seen her. While Raquel, Cassandra, and Tina hadn't convinced her to completely change her gothic look for this one day, they'd succeeded in persuading Michelle to tone it down a little... her skin showed it's natural color, and the black lipstick had stayed at home.

Also coming down the aisle was Damien, as he was the ring bearer, as Del smiled at him.

Then, Hector finally began playing "Here Comes The Bride", as everyone in the entire chapel looked to the door to see Raquel coming down the aisle, accompanied by her father.

"No turning back now..." thought Del warmly. To him, Raquel looked completely beautiful in that gorgeous dress. The look of awe on Del's face was obvious. After all these years..... Raquel looked, to him, so very much the same as she had that day they first met 16 years ago. James shook Del's hand; then the ex-Navy man threw decorum to the wind and gave his son-in-law-to-be a quick hug before taking his seat next to his wife Audrey.

Raquel looked at the man before her... one more memory she wished she could trap and amber and keep close for the rest of her days... their days... he had always had a certain sense of style, and the yuppy tuxedo fit him well. And he'd aged quite well... though, truth to tell, Raquel thought Del actually looked younger than he had when she'd first barged into his life 16 years ago... discovering his purpose, his friends... and, she had to admit to herself, finally being with Raquel... had rekindled the life within Del Boy. Other than the grey at the sides of his hair, Del looked very much as he had sixteen years before, when their long journey had started...

Though the ceremony was all handled by Hector, Father O'Keith had been asked to officiate.

He said, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to see the joining of this man and this woman in the bonds of most sacred matrimony... I know this is an occassion of much significance to many in this room, perhaps much more than most... I've known the groom since he was very small... I know the road he and the one he has chosen, and has chosen her, has been long and very winding. A road filled with confusion, denial, and reversals... a road that led into many dark days where it seemed the light of love would never shine again. But today, we bask in it's brilliance... marvel in the glow... after so long apart, they have found each other. As two souls joined together must ever do: this love goes ever more brightly for the challenge that it has faced, ever more deeply--because, having survived so much difficulty, it can only be the truest. For this occassion, the bride and groom have composed their own vows. Raquel?"

Raquel said to Del, "To a woman, neither father nor son nor mother nor friends but the husband alone is her sole refuge here in this world and in other worlds, too. Hence I shall accompany you. Life with the husband is incomparably superior to life in a palace, or an aerial mansion, or a trip to heaven. With you, life will be more than heaven to me. It will not be the least hardship to me; for without you, even heaven is hell. That's what I feel for you in a nutshell, Del Boy, and will till death do us part. And beyond."

Perhaps she could be forgiven for exhaling in a small degree of satsifaction at that point, as Raquel had spent quite a few hours memorizing the verse.

Father O'Keith then asked, "Derek?"

Del Boy said to Raquel, "I became my family's money maker when I was 16 years old after I left school, my mother died, and my father ran away. From that day, I learned much about trading, flogging, and buying all sorts of hooky gear. But all of that pales to what no hooky stock could have ever taught me--the lessons I learned from the people in this room, lessons of trust and friendship. From one, I learned courage in the face of whatever challenge life threw at me. From another, faith that all would be as it should in the end. And from the one who has stood with me longest, to not take life so seriously. But it was you who taught me the greatest lesson of them all--the power of unconditional love. And I hope to keep having you teach me that lesson till death do us part. And beyond."

Father O'Keith paused for a moment. It was such a tough act to follow. He said, "Be there any who feels that these two should not be joined, speak now or forever hold thy peace..."

Rodney couldn't help himself. He looked to the door, swearing that if Roy Slater or one of those Del Boy-obsessed fangirls burst through it, he would murder them bloodily.

"The rings, please?" asked Father O'Keith to Damien, who held up the pillow, the two diamond rings sparkling in the light.

"These rings, precious though they may be, hold no value compared to what they symbolize--the power of true love." Father O'Keith continued. "What we have witnessed today, let no man or god split asunder. By the power vested in me, by the law of man and the man upstairs, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride, Mr. Trotter..."

"Try and stop me." said Del with a smirk, as he lifted the viel, and embraced Raquel in a long passionate kiss; and though it was not the first kiss they'd ever shared, it was the first kiss as husband and wife...

Damien's jaw dropped, as he looked and realized his uncle was in tears, in a way he hadn't seen since the day Joan Jr. was born. And Damien could swear he saw Rodney look up to the sky and mouth the word, "Finally."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Derek Trotter!!!" announced Denzil, to a standing ovation. The newlyweds gave each other an amused look as they took their seats at the head of the table in the upstairs hall of the Nag's Head.

"Now, I understand our Best Man has a brief toast prepared..." said Hector with a smile.

Rodney took the stage, pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, and suddenly the paper unfurled all the way down to the floor and about six feet away. As he'd knew it, the crowd laughed, and he threw the paper to the side with a flash of a smile, as well as say, "Y'know, I remember when I was born, in fact. It was back on November 2nd, 1960, and the first thing I ever saw was this completely repressed dork with a Cheshire Cat smile there... I thought he was my father's little brother, the dude looked like he was only 11... Because, as I found out later on in my life, he was only 11 when I was born. And worse, he was my older brother--me, Rodney Trotter, coolest guy born to be an artist, little brother of a not-so-straight hooky trader named Del Boy Trotter. In fact, my earliest childhood recollection was of Del standing in front of a mirror! Up until I was 4, I thought he was twins! Can you imagine the embarrassment?"

The crowd was chuckling. Del rolled his eyes, as Rodney continued, "Not long after that, in 1963, he impressed me by scoring 8 straight "A's" on his 'O' Levels, but it was later revealed that the A's stood for "Absent". In order to protect both himself and me, Del beat the crap out of his father, not mine, because my real father Freddie the Frog had died at the same time. From that day, Del had been my hero. Then, a couple of months later in early 1964, Del was good enough to stand by me when our dear old mother died. Then in early to mid 1965, as Del got home since it was his 16th birthday, he found out that his father had packed his bags and gone away for good, leaving Del to take care of me and raise me as his apprentice! Then one Sunday in 1973, he sent me down the Mountbatten Estate with a barrow-load of do-it-yourself gas conversion kits. All day long I was down there knocking on doors. I missed me Sunday dinner and everything. And not one of the gits down there had the decency to tell me that the Mountbatten Estate was all-electric, and at that time, I was covered in chicken pox, while wearing a stupid flower power shirt which was pink with little red poppies all over it, which made me look like I was stripped to the waist, and all because Del needed the flat all to himself for a day! Also, ten years later in 1983, Del wound me up by telling me that I wanted by the police as the "**Peckham Pouncer**" for "rape" on nutty old Blossom! But on the bright side, Del was the Best Man at me and Cassandra's wedding nearly 16 years ago. He even provided me with the money for our own flat. I tell you, in the 1980's and 1990's, Del Boy couldn't go a week without setting up an Ethnic London tour business, trying to get rid of Trigger's grandad's ashes, playing imaginary snooker with a psychopath, buying a useless oil rig, smuggling diamonds from Holland, hang gliding to impress Trig's niece, suggesting a movie with a bloodsucking rhino and a divvy detective, purchasing explosive sex dolls, stealing one of Gatwick Airport's satellite dishes to watch Sky TV, selling bottled radioactive water to the public, or going with me to a funeral wake dressed as Batman and Robin." Rodney rolled his eyes, as he also said, "And then when we started Trotters Independent Traders... shoot... We needed to hire some help and lots of people showed up over the years--besides a roadsweeper who I thought carried a gun, a freemason snob who thinks that anyone who's got a pound less than him's a peasant, a lorry driver who eats hairy porridge, an out of work lamp-lighter waiting for gas to make a comeback as well as being my grandfather, and a sailor who sank every ship he sailed on as well as being my great uncle, there was a firecracker from North London with a shrill voice like an angry Daisy Duck, and who wasn't going to let a little thing like the fact that Del, and later myself, was technically her boss get in the way of ruining our days. Like the day she actually told me to get my ass in gear on going back to Cassandra after I left her in late 1990, though Del was more successful in convincing me."

"What is this, a fuckin' roast?!" a loud South London voice called out with mock aggravation.

"As you've just seen, Del has quite a handful." Rodney continued, without missing a beat. "But I remember noticing something pretty quick--the way she started to look at him like he was a blue plate special and she hadn't eaten in a year. And I really took note when we were going home from our annual -- and final -- Jolly Boys' Outing in Margate. We stayed at Raquel's flat for the night..." There was another loud chuckle from the people who knew him best, and the full context of those remarks, while Rodney continued, "I said to Del when he told me that Raquel would let him know when she was ready to accept his proposal, "Maybe she'll put an announcement in the Sunday Sport.", and he replied, "Look, all I know is she'll let me know! And until that happens you're kipping on the settee, and thank yourself lucky!" just a little too quickly..."

Cassandra groaned nearby, really wishing her husband hadn't related that event with their one-year old daughter present.

"Yeah, folks, I soon realized that my Del Boy had finally found the woman he needed. I told him a long time ago... I think it was when he told me how he pictured his vision of love, I told him, "Oh, come on Del, that ain't a vision of love, it's a yoghurt commercial!" It wasn't easy, believe me. Sixteen years it took to get us here, but here we are, and..." Rodney stopped, his smirking facade starting to crack. "I speak from experience, here, mate... After today, none of that time is gonna matter anymore. It doesn't matter how long it takes to get there, what counts is that you're together. And if anybody I know is gonna make it, it's gonna be you." Rodney raised his glass and said loudly, "To Derek and Raquel Trotter. Forever."

There was hearty applause mixed with the clinking of glasses. There were many misty eyes after Rodney's toast--truth to be told, that included the bride's.

After the toast, it was now time for the dancing!

"Ready to get out there on the dance floor, Del?" quipped Rodney.

"I hope I still got it..." quipped Del Boy, as he was pulled to the floor.

"Me too..." replied Raquel, as she also said, "Maybe we'll cancel each other out."

Ash went over to the CD player, and pulled a CD out of his pocket. After he primed it, he nodded at Hector, who nodded at Rodney.

Hector smirked and said, "When it came time to pick a song for the first dance, there were a lot of really good choices out there. But with the help of my son Ash -- a musical genius in training -- we found one that was perfect in more ways than one. Not my style, by the way, but I agreed it's the one."

Ash hit the button on the CD player as his father nodded. The heavenly voice of Freddie Mercury reverberated throughout the hall. It was Queen's "A Kind Of Magic". Ash then pulled out a mock-up guitar, as if he was pretending to play the music.

_It's a kind of magic_

_It's a kind of magic_

_A kind of magic (Eb dluohs tahw fo)_

"Queen?" asked Tyler. "One of their famous ones, but I know I've heard it before..."

"I sometimes think Hector knows us just a little too well..." whispered Del Boy to his new bride. He also added, "It's perfect..."

"Not as perfect as you..." replied Raquel, drinking in the sensation of being in his arms. Her husband.

Tyler pulled his collar, and went up to Michelle and asked her, "I know this music is, like, totally for pop fans, but you know... Y'maybe wanna dance?"

"I dunno, Ty. With who?" she teased him.

Tyler rolled his eyes, and replied, "With me, I guess. I got here first, after all..."

With an exuberance he wasn't used to, but he wouldn't mind the chance, Michelle laughed and let him lead her to the floor. Mickey elbowed Denzil and Jevon.

"Don't say a word to them." said Denzil amiably, but firmly, though it reminded him of his and Corrine's wedding reception, though Del ruined it. More than once he'd wondered if the teasing Mickey and Jevon gave them had slowed down whatever was trying to happen.

"Okay... but I wanna know why nobody's asking me to dance..." retorted Mickey.

_One dream, one soul, one prize, one goal_

_One golden glance of what should be_

_It's a kind of magic_

_One shaft of light that shows the way_

_No mortal man can win this day_

_It's a kind of magic_

_The bell that rings inside your mind_

_Is challenging the doors of time_

_It's a kind of magic_

_The waiting seems eternity_

_The day will dawn (ahhh) of sanity_

_(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooooh)_

_Is this a kind of magic_

_It's a kind of magic_

_There can be only one_

_This rage that lasts a thousand years_

_Will soon be done_

More couples took the the floor... Boycie and Marlene... Alan and Pam... James and Audrey... and Hector and Tina... Damien tried to get Michelle to dance with him. But she politely declined.

"Time for us to upstage everyone, Cass." said Rodney to Cassandra, taking her hand as they joined the rest.

"I don't understand what that's all about." huffed Damien, as she also asked, "Is dancing with some girl supposed to be fun?"

"I dunno... Dad always says we'll understand when we're older." replied Ash, as he continued to rock out on his guitar and sing along.

_This flame that burns inside of me_

_I'm hearing secret harmonies_

_It's a kind of magic_

_The bell that rings inside your mind_

_Is challenging the doors of time_

James and Audrey looked wistfully at their daughter and their son-in-law... Memories of their own wedding playing in her head... Memories of the day she held that tiny body for the first time... Audrey felt the tears welling. Her daughter...

Aunt Reen was also a bit emotional, as she looked on and thought, "If only Joan were here to see him happy like this..."

"My son has become an even greater man that I ever hoped he could be..." She startled. The voice was so clear... but when Reen looked around, she couldn't believe it.

"Reen?" It was Del's father, Reginald "Reg" Trotter, now aged 73 as he said, "I know you must miss her terribly on a day like this..." Did he hear it too?

"Without a doubt... I realize I'm not my wife you miss... but the husband of your friend would ask the honor of your presence in the dance..." said Reg with a smile.

As Reen danced with Reg Trotter at his oldest son's wedding, Reg's thoughts were elsewhere..."My son and stepson battle the market business for a living, after all" ...he thought to himself. "Why couldn't it have been Joan? She is here... She didn't miss this day. I know it in my heart."

_It's a kind of magic_

_It's a kind of magic_

_This rage that lasts a thousand years_

_Will soon be, will soon be, will soon be done_

_This is a kind of magic_

_There can be only one (one, one, one)_

_This rage that lasts a thousand years_

_Will soon be done_

_Done_

_Magic_

_It's a kind of magic_

_It's a kind of magic_

_Magic, magic, magic, magic_

_Magic_

_Ha, ha, ha, ha, it's magic_

_Ha, ha_

_Yeah, yeah_

_Wow_

_It's a kind of magic_

Unfortunately, as much as Raquel Trotter might have wished otherwise, such days inevitably wind down. Queen's "These Are The Days Of Our Lives" played in the background, with Ash singing along.

_Sometimes I get to feeling_

_I was back in the old days, long ago_

_When we were kids, when we were young_

_Things seemed so perfect, you know_

_The days were endless, we were crazy, we were young_

_The sun was always shining, we just lived for fun_

_Sometimes it seems like lately, I just don't know_

_The rest of my life's been just a show_

"I believe it is time for us to make our exit." announced Del, as he also said, "I don't think the airlines can be persuaded to delay the departure of our honeymoon flight." As he said that, Del suddenly remembered the van. "I need to get it fixed again soon..."

"Honeymoon? Holy crap, Mom and Dad... where you goin'?" asked Damien.

"Barbados." replied Raquel, as she also said, referring to Hector, "Our wedding present from one notably well-off Cold War Navy SEAL..."

Hector quipped with his arm around Tina, "Well, it was the right thing to do. But it isn't the whole present..."

"To prove how you're a great couple, I'm sure..." said Tina, as he handed Del and Raquel a box.

"I'm afraid to open this." declared Raquel.

"Go on, open it. You'll love it!" beamed Hector, drawing an elbow from his wife.

Raquel opened the box, as it revealed two big shiny gold medals both saying "Greatest Couple in London"!

"They're... beautiful!" said Raquel joyfully!

Tina blushed, as she said, "Well comrades, it was mostly Rodney's idea, but me and Hector contributed to it as well."

"Oh leave it out, Hector, Tina. Thanks for the gift!" said Del with a warm smile towards his cousin.

"Only in the most benevolent sense of the word." beamed Boycie, pulling Marlene a little closer.

"You two have a lot of time to make up for. Oh, and me, Boycie, and Tyler are thinking about moving to Shropshire sometime within the next year." said Marlene cheerfully.

_Those were the days of our lives_

_The bad things in life were so few_

_Those days are all gone now but one thing is true_

_When I look, and I find, I still love you_

"Er... ahem... if you'll excuse us, then..." said Del, as he and Raquel were planning to leave.

"Not so fast, Trotter." June chided. "I think there's a ritual or two remaining... a bouquet to be tossed, I believe."

"You better do what the lady says, Del." Mickey said with a smile. "She could turn you into a frog..."

Del explained, "I think I'll pass on that. Though I thought Raquel would be the one throwing the bouquet..."

"Oh, God... she's giving him a sense of humor already..." quipped Trigger.

Denzil whistled loudly and pointed, while saying, "Single gals, over here! The moment is coming!!!"

When Raquel sent the bouquet sailing, it ended up being protested so vigorously it ended up bouncing away from the crowd... and right at the feet of Michelle Trotter, who'd tried to get away from it, but Tyler picked it up and gave it to her, while saying, "Michelle, thanks for the dance. Listen, my mom and dad are thinking about moving to Shropshire sometime in the future, but I think we could still be friends and call each other, right?"

"Well, perhaps you're right!" replied Michelle, cracking a smile. Tyler returned the smile.

"Okay, dudes. Your turn..." noted Rodney. There were a couple of wolf whistles (including Mickey Pearce's naturally) when Mrs. Trotter hiked her skirt to reveal the garter.

"Whistle all you want... This one is off the market." said Del Boy with a characteristic smirk. He removed the garter with some deliberate slowness, as well as give his new wife a quick kiss to the cheek.

"Fifty bucks if the guy who catches it wears it on his head!!!" called out Sid loudly.

Del Boy gave the garter a good fling, and it ended up in the hands of none other than Tyler Boyce. After a second contemplating the vague ickiness of catching something that had been on his father's friend's wife leg a moment before, he noticed that Michelle was giving him a quizzical look.

"Maybe this ain't a bad thing after all..." he thought to himself.

_You can't turn back the clock, you can't turn back the time_

_Ain't that a shame?_

_I'd like to go back one time on a rollercoaster ride_

_When life was just a game_

_No use in sitting and a thinking on what you did_

_When you can lay back and enjoy it through your kids_

_Sometimes it seems like lately I just don't know_

_Better sit back and go with the flow_

_'Cos these are the days of our lives_

_They've flown in the swiftness of time_

_These days are all gone now but some things remain_

_When I look and I find no change_

Outside the Nag's Head, the Capri Ghia, now decorated with various traditional "Just Married" markings and cans tied to the back bumper, was waiting.

Reg approached Del, who just sneered at the sight of his father, but Reg told him, "Just wanted to... er... Just wanted to say, Del, that I'm really proud of you. You've finally made it, ain't you, son? A new wife after all these years."

Del thought for a moment, then returned the compliment with a smile and said, "Thanks Dad, I think it's about time we put the past behind us, alright?"

"Yes, you're right, Del. I just wish that your mum..." said Reg, but Del quickly cut him off by saying jokingly, "Oh no, shut up! You'll have me crying."

They now just looked at each other. Then, father and son were reunited, as Del now embraced Reg by hugging him, as Rodney looked on smiling at his stepfather and half-brother, thinking to himself, "If only I could've met my father..."

"Hey Del, take care." said Rodney to his older half-brother with a pat on the back.

Hector then stepped in and said, "And don't worry about the company, I'll help Rodney flog some of your hooky gear until you return."

"Thank you, my brothers, and thank you, Dad! Bonjour!" said a joyful and emotional Del Boy.

Raquel then told Hector, "Goodbye, Hector, and thanks for everything."

Raquel hugged Hector, who said, "That's alright sweetheart. Listen, me and Rodders will look after Damien and make sure he doesn't get into trouble."

"Cheers guys!" chirped Raquel.

"Yeah, you know it makes sense!" laughed Rodney, though Del chided at him jokingly, "Oi, that's my line Rodders!"

There were waves, a few hugs, and another tear or two, before Del Boy and Raquel Trotter began their newest journey together by driving off into the sunset.

_Those were the days of our lives, yeah_

_The bad things in life were so few_

_Those days are all gone now but_

_One thing's still true_

_When I look and I find_

_I still love you_

_I still love you_

--------------------------------------------------

**September 25, 2004**

--------------------------------------------------

At a hotel in Barbados, Del Boy drank in the warmth of the moment... the sense of peace... contentment of a sort he couldn't remember feeling... ever... He felt the steady beat of Raquel's heart, and it was beautiful. Her cheek was resting against his neck, the soft roundness of her bosom pressed up against his lightly haired chest... a whiff of the perfume she'd worn the day before still lingered in the air, mixed with more natural scents... that seemed even more beautiful to him.

Raquel opened one eye and looked up at Del by saying, "Good morning... Mr. Trotter..."

"Good morning to you..." said Del with a pause, realizing he was savoring the sound of it, as he continued, "...Mrs. Trotter."

She leaned forward and kissed him, then saying, "I suppose we should go outside sometime... otherwise all that money Hector spent is sort of wasted, huh?"

Del replied, "Perhaps..."

Raquel closed her eyes again, and nuzzled back up against him, while saying, "I wish I could just stay like this forever, though."

"Forever?" asked Del. "Uh huh..." answered Raquel.

"Well... we've more than earned it." replied Del, kissing Raquel once more.

They would finally get out of the bed and enjoy the beach...... The _next_ morning...

--------------------------------------------------

**October 8, 2004**

--------------------------------------------------

Two weeks after the wedding and Del and Raquel Trotter's honeymoon, flat No.368 on the 13th floor of Nelson Mandela House in Peckham, South London, Britain was in total darkness, seeing as how it was nightfall. A key was heard in the front door. Del Boy and his wife Raquel entered from the hall. They were both dressed in fancy summer shirts and both had amazing tans, as well as sporting their medals.

"I think we need a rematch." said Raquel, carrying a tennis racquet.

Del retorted, obviously he and Raquel were playing tennis in Barbados, "Oh, oh a rematch, why, were you cheating?"

Before Raquel could answer, the lights suddenly came on, and Rodney, Cassandra, Hector, Tina, Ash, Michelle, Damien, Boycie, Marlene, Tyler, Sid, Trigger, Denzil, Mickey Pearce, Jevon, Alan, Pam, James, Audrey, and Barry all popped out and shouted in unison, "**SURPRISE!** Welcome home, Del Boy and Raquel!"

Del reacted in total surprise, "...You guys!"

Rodney embraced his half-brother and said, "Betcha' didn't see this coming, huh?"

"Well... it was good of you and Hector to go to all this trouble just for me!" replied Del with a big smile.

Barry walked to Del, put a hand on his shoulder, smiled, and told him, "Del, I applaud you for taking care of my baby sister. I really do!"

"Oh, leave it out, Barry! That's what I do!" responded Del Boy, who returned the smile, with a smiling Raquel also looking on.

Tina wheeled in a big cake with a small replica of the Reliant Regal on top of it, while saying, "Here you go, comrade Del Boy. Have this with a Pina Colada and you can't go wrong."

Hector then said, "Lemme tell you what one of your presents is, Del: remember when I retrieved Freddie the Frog's lost gold last month? Well, me and Roddy invested it in a safe spot during your honeymoon, and came up with 12.4 million quid!"

Del couldn't believe it, that was twice the amount of the 6.2 million quid that the Trotter family earned when they auctioned the Harrison watch in 1996.

"Gordon Bennett! That's about enough to keep the Inland Revenue away from us... forever!" replied Del, completely over the moon about the good news!

Tina added, "And we managed to buy back both your country mansion, and Rodney and Cassandra's penthouse suite, along with your Rolls Royce and Rodney's 1996 Jaguar XJ Executive 3.2!"

Del hugged Raquel and told her, "Yes, we're right back at the top, sweetheart!"

"Oh Del..." said Raquel dreamily.

"Oh, and there's another person who's been dying to see you." said Rodney, as he introduced from the shadows, none other than... John Sullivan!

"Who are you?" asked Del.

Sullivan simply replied, "I'm John Sullivan, your creator."

"Whaddya mean "creator"?" asked a confused Del.

Sullivan explained, "Well, you see Del, in my world, you, your friends, and your family are all fictional characters in my BBC TV show called _**Only Fools and Horses**_, which first aired in 1981 and ended in 2003. Over the years, you've attracted a lot of television audiences with your blending mixture of emotional drama and slapstick comedy. You made them laugh, you made them cry, you even earned an award as the Best British Sitcom! In fact, there are a lot of readers reading this story right now."

"There is?" asked Del Boy.

"Yes. The show is now continuing in fan fiction because of your popularity!" responded Sullivan.

Del was at a loss for words, as he said, "Wow, I don't know what to say, John, but I think for the first time in my life: I'm happy for entertaining audiences around Britain! If only Mum, Grandad, and Albert were here right now..."

A familiar slow burn laugh was heard, echoing the flat. Del and Rodney both turned around, and they were both completely surprised to see the ghosts of none other than their mother Joan Mavis Trotter Sr. (who had long blonde hair, had an attractively tall and slender white body, and wore ruby and gold rings on her fingers, bracelets on her wrists, a green and red go-go dress, and black go-go boots), their grandfather Edward Kitchener "Grandad" Trotter, their great uncle Albert Gladstone Trotter, and Rodney's father Freddie "The Frog" Robdal, who were all staring proudly back at them!

"There's no need to mourn me anymore, I'm finally at peace now, and I'm proud both of you, Del and Rodney." said Joan's ghost with a smile.

Del and Rodney smiled back, just for their mum's sake. "Lovely Jubbly, Mum." said Del with a warm smile.

"And I'm still burning the angels' breakfasts." moaned Grandad's ghost, just like he used to do when he was alive.

Rodney then quipped, "At least you're still trying. By the way, Grandad, you were right about the cigarette case being lucky... It saved my life. Thank you."

"Unc, say "During the war..." just for old times sake. I bet you're boring the other angels with your war stories!" chirped Del Boy.

Albert's ghost obliged by saying, "During the war... We were finally able to wipe out the Nazis! There, that's all my war stories."

Everyone laughed, even Albert's ghost, as he laughed his laugh, as well as say to his son Hector, "And Hector, I'm proud of you, and the brave Navy man that you've become."

Hector smiled warmly and replied to his father's ghost, "Thank you Dad. I feel comfortable now."

Rodney then came face-to-face with Freddie the Frog's ghost, who said to his son, "Rodney Trotter, I never thought I'd see the day."

"Hello Dad." said Rodney solemnly. "I'd just like to say that me and your mother are proud of you, and I hope we meet again in heaven." said Freddie the Frog's ghost joyfully.

"Thanks Dad. I'm very glad I got to meet what was my father." said Rodney with tears in his eyes and a warm smile.

Trigger quipped, "You can say that again... Rodney." Rodney reacted in surprise, as Tina checked her watch and told everyone, "It's almost time!"

"For what?" asked Raquel.

"The fireworks show we arranged for you and Del." replied Cassandra.

Rodney checked his watch. Even after all these years, it still wasn't working properly. He moaned at Del, "This bloody thing still ain't working, Del!"

Del laughed, "Oh shut up, you tart! After all, why do only fools and horses work?"

Everybody cheered, as the fireworks outside Nelson Mandela House went off, and Sullivan started singing the following song, "Hooky Street":

_We've got some half-price cracked ice_

_and miles and miles of carpet tiles,_

_TV's, deep freeze, and David Bowie LP's,_

_Ball games, gold chains, whassa-names, and at a push,_

_Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherds Bush,_

_Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush..._

_No income tax, no V.A.T._

_No money back, no guarantee,_

_Black or white, rich or broke,_

_We'll cut prices at a stroke._

_God bless Hooky Street,_

_Viva Hooky Street,_

_Long live Hooky Street,_

_C'est magnifique, Hooky Street,_

_Magnifique, Hooky Street,_

_Hooky Street - Hooky Street - Hooky Street._

**The End.**

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**Special Thanks to:**

Sir David Jason (Derek "Del Boy" Trotter)

Tessa Peake-Jones (Raquel Turner-Trotter)

Nicholas Lyndhurst (Rodney Charlton Trotter)

Gwyneth Strong (Cassandra Louise Parry-Trotter)

John Challis (Terrance Aubrey "Boycie" Boyce)

Sue Holderness (Marlene Lane-Boyce)

Paul Barber (Denzil Tulser)

Roger Lloyd Pack (Colin "Trigger" Ball)

Patrick Murray (Mickey Pearce)

Roy Heather (Sid)

Jim Broadbent (Roy Slater)

John Sullivan, for writing the following _**Only Fools and Horses**_ episodes focusing around the romantic relationship between Del Boy & Raquel: "Dates", "The Jolly Boys' Outing", "Rodney Come Home", "The Chance of a Lunchtime", "Stage Fright", "The Class of '62", "Three Men, a Woman, and a Baby", "Miami Twice", "Mother Nature's Son", "Fatal Extraction", "Heroes and Villians", and "Time On Our Hands".

BBC, for helping Sullivan create the sitcom known only as _**Only Fools and Horses**_.

Roger Taylor, for writing the awesome Queen songs "A Kind Of Magic" and "These Are The Days Of Our Lives".

Hector, Tina, Ash, and Michelle Trotter, and Barry Turner created by Piston1984.

**In loving memory of:**

Lennard Pearce (Edward Kitchener "Grandad" Trotter) (1915-1984)

Buster Merryfield (Albert Gladstone Trotter) (1920-1999)

Kenneth McDonald (Michael David "Mike" Fisher) (1950-2001)

Peter Woodthorpe (Reginald "Reg" Trotter) (1931-2004)

Joan Sims (Reen Turpin) (1930-2001)

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**Author's note:** Well now, that was an exciting story, wasn't it? I hoped you all enjoyed it, and I've got a few things to tell you all. First off, I based the scene where the Trotters gunned down Pauline Harris on how Boddicker and his gang killed Officer Alex Murphy with their heavy shotguns in _**Robocop**_. Secondly, in case you haven't realized it, the ending where the ghosts of Grandad, Uncle Albert, Joan, and Freddie the Frog were present for Del's surprise party is a parody of the final scene in _**Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi**_, where the ghosts of Anakin Skywalker, Yoda, and Obi-Wan Kenobi were present for the "End of the Empire" party with Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Princess Leia Organa, Chewbacca, Lando Calrissian, C3PO, R2-D2, and the Ewoks. Thirdly, the part where the Trotters meet John Sullivan is my little nod to the 1994 _**Spider-Man**_ animated series finale "Farewell, Spider-Man", where Spider-Man meets his creator, Stan Lee. Fourthly, I decided to give Raquel more character devlopment by making her a red belt in martial arts. And finally, the father-son interaction between Freddie the Frog's ghost and Rodney is incredibly important to Rodney's character. While he doesn't put it in exactly these terms, Rodney finally understands Freddie's pride in his demeanor. Not only that, but Rodney is at last comfortable with the fact that he is the son of a gentleman thief, something Rodney has been struggling with ever since he found out the rumour from Albert and Aunt Reen. I personally think that Rodney is able to make peace with that truth because he realizes now that Freddie the Frog may not be intrinsically bad after all. Rodney's final declaration is that he is now ready to share in a little bit of the pride that Freddie felt. Anyways, John Sullivan, the only loose end you never tied up was Del Boy and Raquel finally getting married, and I sorted that out. Nevertheless, this was a fun end to a great British sitcom. Praise the Lord, Derek and Rodney Trotter, you'll both be missed.

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End file.
